Come Find Me
by skygirl55
Summary: If you're searching for forever, I'll be waiting; come find me. Caskett semi-AU canon from Nikki Heat's book release (2x05)
1. Chapter 1

**Come Find Me**

 _If you're searching for forever, I'll be waiting; come find me_. Caskett semi-AU canon from Nikki Heat's book release (2x05)

* * *

 _I see you, here in the darkness_  
 _Blinding light right where your heart is_  
 _If you're ready, heart is open_  
 _I'll be waiting_  
 _Come find me_

Lyrics from "Find Me" by Sigma

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

Spotlights. Camera flash bulbs. And a red carpet.

Individually these items were not things Kate would have added to her "most dreaded" list; however, when they were all rolled up together they formed one singular topic that immediately jumped to the top of said list: fame.

"Hey! It's the real Nikki Heat!"

"Over here Nikki!"

"Look this way Nikki!"

And, of course, she had to wear _the dress_ , too—the one Lanie had said would knock the writer flat on his ass when he saw it: deep blue, curve-hugging, and sinfully short. Now there would be pictures of her in the dress in tomorrow's papers and those pictures would be labeled with the name Nikki Heat, which ultimately was better than Kate Beckett—but not by much.

Plastering on a fake-but-polite smile, Kate strutted her way down into the release party as quickly as her stilettos would allow while silently hoping she was walking her first and last red carpet. Then again, if the evening ended as she intended, it probably would not be her last, but she would cross that bridge when she got to it.

Just inside the bookstore serving as that evening's launch pad for _Heat Wave_ a glass of champagne was thrust into her hand and Kate sipped at it greedily. Yes, alcohol would definitely settle the nerves that blossomed from her trip through the gauntlet. And so would the familiar faces of her colleagues, who she thankfully saw standing by the temporary bar several feet away. She moved towards them as though they possessed their own gravitational force.

"Don't you clean up nice, Detective?"

Kate nodded to her superior. "Thanks, Captain; you're not looking so bad yourself. Neither are you two."

"Who us?"

"Oh this old thing?" Her partners chorused while smoothing down their respective blazers.

"Castle's here somewhere, I assume."

Montgomery nodded and then sipped his beer before gesturing with the bottle. "Making his rounds, you know. I'm sure you'll want to speak with him—especially after you read the book dedication."

She did a double take in his direction. "Dedication? Why? What does it say?"

Montgomery merely grinned at her. "Go take a look for yourself."

Kate gave him a skeptical gaze for several moments before taking his advice and wandering over to one of the main tables stacked with crisp copies of Richard Castle's latest novel. She stood in front of the table, taking in the display, while finishing off the last of her champagne. Even though she had read a draft copy of the book two months earlier, she could still hardly believe that it was a real, published novel, displaying a silhouette image of a body the writer promised wasn't hers but still bore a striking resemblance. Amazing.

Nine months earlier, when she was called to the scene of a body covered in rose petals with sunflowers over its eyes, she had thought maybe— _maybe_ —she would have the opportunity to meet and speak with her favorite author with regards to their case. To be at the point they were then—partners, best friends, and possibly soon to be more—would have been unfathomable at that time. So would have the book _Nikki Heat_.

When after closing the copycat murder case Castle called her and politely asked to shadow her for research, she really had not known what to say. He'd been surprisingly helpful during their initial investigation and though he'd been in her way a few times she hadn't really minded it—it had almost been fun. However, she was deeply concerned that extending the engagement wouldn't work out for either of them. She requested to think about it and he had obliged, but ultimately Montgomery's and the mayor's desire for good press had pushed her to accept on a trial basis that had never expired.

The first two weeks he followed her he trailed several steps behind, took plenty of notes, and asked an astounding amount of questions. Finally, unable to suppress her curiosity, she asked him what exactly he was trying to research thinking she could better guide and assist him if he would tell her what he was trying to create. It was then she first heard the name Nikki Heat.

To say that she was shocked upon discovering he intended to write his new best-selling character based on her would have been a grand understatement. She was flummoxed, flustered, and a little bit flattered. She insisted she was not interesting enough to provide the groundwork for a new detective character, but he politely disagreed, and simply went back to his note taking.

For those first few weeks, Richard Castle had still been very much a mystery to her. He was studious and reserved during most of her interactions with victims and suspects. If he did speak, it was almost in an apologetic sort of way, though his input was nearly always helpful. He didn't speak much about himself or his family, which was all right with her, because she didn't want to offer up much information about her own personal life. Then, nearly a month into their shadowing, a case came up that involved reenacting an old-fashioned duel, which seemed to strike his fancy. Through it she ended up discovering he was quite a good shot and had a surprising breadth of knowledge on the most random subjects. From that case on, he seemed to come out of his shell and within a few weeks was the chatty, positive, joke-cracking man she knew to that day. A man she cared about—a lot.

A waiter passing by at that moment offered to take her empty champagne flute and Kate placed it on his tray with a thank you. She then tucked her clutch purse beneath one arm and reached out for one of the pristinely displayed novels. She smoothed her fingers over the spine and cover, tracing her index finger over the letters of the author's name, and then finally flipped open the cover and thumbed through the pages until she reached the dedication.

 _To the extraordinary KB and all my friends at the Twelfth_.

Kate felt her heard flutter beneath her ribcage as her eyes focused on the descriptor once more. Extraordinary—he thought she was extraordinary. She supposed this sentiment didn't completely shock her as he was not one to shy away from compliments. He made no secret of the fact that he found her to be beautiful and she'd lost track of the number of times he'd called her an incredible investigator or something similar. Plus, she caught him gazing at her with that dopey, besotted grin of his at least once a day if not more. Every time, it made her cheeks flush and her heart stutter for no man had ever looked at her quite that way before. _Extraordinary_.

Now even more anxious to talk to the writer face to face, Kate lifted her head and scanned her eyes around the room, searching. Her gaze fell on the boys, who appeared to be clustered together, smirking at her, but she ignored them and continued her sweep. Finally, she saw him off in a corner speaking to a woman nearly a foot shorter than him with black hair smoothed back into a knot at the back of her head. The woman appeared to be very serious about their conversation while Castle merely looked impatient. He glanced up at just the right moment, their eyes locked, he smiled at her and—

 _Damn._ Her heart was doing that fluttering thing again, only this time her stomach went along for the ride. Those feelings she'd tried so long to brush away as a schoolgirl crush swirled around in her gut before settling in her low belly and—shit. She knew she should have ignored them. He was her partner and that was probably how they should remain, but damn it that was not what she wanted—what her heart wanted.

Richard Castle was a sweet, kind, and loyal man. He was the type of man who would take the shirt off his own back and give it to a total stranger if he thought they needed it. He was perplexing, frustrating, and downright annoying somedays with his childlike humor, but it was that humor that made her laugh, and brought joy back into her life when she thought it had gone forever. Every day in his presence was a reminder that she needed to force herself outside of the bleak cave her job could pen her in and step into the light to see that good remained in the world and he was a constant source of it.

For several months Kate had struggled with her true feelings for the writer in her life. As someone who was self-proclaimed horrendous at relationships, she forced herself to ignore her romantic feelings for him for longer than she knew she should have, but when she ultimately accepted them, she was faced with a variety of new concerns. Continually battling for the top two spots were: What if he didn't feel the same? And what if he did?

Considering how he looked at her, complimented her, and, as the boys had pointed out, wrote a whole damn book about her, Kate felt reasonably confident that Castle did reciprocate her feelings, but that brought her to her next greatest fear: what if things between them didn't work out? Though they had not yet known each other on a personal level for a year, he was very important to her; a very important friend. Losing their friendship and partnership would be greatly disappointing and it was absolutely something she did not want, which was why she kept her feelings at bay.

But then, she'd look at him, catch him smiling at her and imagine curling up her body beside his and spending a night in his arms. She'd think about how his lips would feel against hers or how wonderful it would be to run her fingers through his hair as he cradled her body against his. She wanted him, damn it, and it was time they both got what they wanted.

"Hey."

His husky greeting sent a shiver down her spine and she managed a slightly nervous sounding, "Hi Castle," in return.

"I really appreciate you coming this evening."

"Wouldn't have missed it. Thank you, for the invitation—and the dedication. That's…wow."

He smiled easily. "Well I mean it; you are extraordinary. So, ah, can I get you a drink?"

Kate smiled as his comment was a perfect lead-in to the invitation she wanted to propose. "Actually, I was thinking I could buy you one—later, I mean. Once you can get out of here."

His brow jumped. "Oh! Buy _me_ a drink?"

"Yeah—a congratulatory drink. I know you have obligations here but-"

"No, that sounds nice, Beckett, but, uh," he looked uncertain and gazed quickly down at his watch. "Might be a little while until I can get out of here—probably at least an hour. I can meet you somewhere."

She waved her hand casually at him. "No it's fine; I'll just make the rounds. Come find me when you're ready to go."

He grinned and nodded at her. "You got it, Beckett; enjoy the party." With that, he headed off in the direction of his agent's waving hand and Kate sucked in a deep breath. Okay; one hour. That was plenty of time to calm her nerves—right?

* * *

"So what are we toasting to?"

Kate smiled up at her companion as she passed over the whisky glass that was a twin to hers. They had traveled downtown from the release party to a little corner bar she was fond off not too far from her apartment. He had insisted he didn't care where they went and she thought the proximity might be to her advantage. Plus, she knew this establishment to be reasonably quiet, even on a Friday night.

"You," she told him. "To another wonderful book."

"Which I couldn't have written without you."

She shrugged one shoulder and held up her glass as she faced him. "A mutual toast then." He bobbed his head, clinked his glass against hers, and then they both drank. Kate shut her eyes as the whisky burned a trail down her throat. It wasn't perhaps the best she'd had, but it would hopefully do the job of settling her nerves than the champagne had. So would the talking. Talking things out with Castle always made her feel more comfortable and this was just another conversation between them.

The writer hummed as he set down his glass and leaned back against the petite booth they'd claimed as their own. "So what'd you think of the party?"

"It was something. Didn't exactly expect the red carpet and all those cameras." Castle had conveniently left those out of his invitation when telling her and the boys about the open bar and delicious hors d'oeuvres.

He hummed and sipped his drink again. "I know the spotlight can be a bit shocking to someone not used to it, but I'm sure you looked gorgeous in every picture they took. Next time we'll have you walk in with Mother—she just soaks it up."

Kate let out a laugh. "Shame she had to miss tonight." It truly was as Martha Rodgers was not only a riot every time Kate saw her, but she presumably wanted to be there for her only son. Castle probably would have wanted her there as well seeing as she was his only family. Kate had always thought her relative list was rather short until she heard that his only contained one name other than his own. He had no wife, no children, no siblings and perhaps most tragically no father. He took it in stride, though, choosing to surround himself with a family of his own making: his good friends. Or, at least, that's what he always told her.

He waved his left hand dismissively. "Oh don't worry. She sent me two negative reviews to ground me—like always."

Tapping her fingers against her drinking glass, Kate thought back to two hours earlier as she milled around the release party. For the most part all the chatter she heard was very positive, which made her both feel happy and a bit uncertain. She was, of course, very glad for her partner and friend; she wanted him to be successful in whatever he did. Yet, considering she was the inspiration for the novel, she found it slightly uncomfortable to be happy about the book's future success for it felt a bit narcissistic in and odd, round-about sort of way. Despite that, her wish for her friend's future career outweighed her own, slightly unfounded discomfort. "From what I heard most of the reviews were positive."

He hummed. "Mm yeah. Paula was telling me about what might be up next. More Nikki heats. Perhaps something different."

Kate felt her heart flutter in her chest as a wave of nerves passed through her. Something different? Surely, that would mean an end to their work partnership—something she had not truly considered, even if it was only ever supposed to be on a trial basis. Or, perhaps, maybe he would continue to shadow her and simply focus his books on a different character. "Would you want to write more of Nikki?" she asked, a bit hesitant.

His response was an immediate smile. "Of course. I never intended for the book to be a standalone. There's definitely more to her story."

Her expression reflected his and she said, "Glad to hear it," before bringing her drinking glass to her lips.

They spoke for several more minutes about what Nikki Heat's future adventures could possibly entail and how her romantic relationship with the character Jameson Rook might progress given their dynamite-and-matches like chemistry. As she listened to Castle speak, Kate could not help but be reminded of yet another clue that he was as interested in her as she was in him: the character of Rook. It didn't take a detective to tell that Rook was Castle's piece of himself within the story and he had chosen to write a tale in which her counterpart and his counterpart were intimate. During their ride-alongs he had at one point explained that he occasionally wrote pieces of a story because he knew they would be most interesting to the audience, and the Rook/Heat romance could have classified as such, but she truly did not think it did—at least, not entirely.

As though he was reading her mind, Castle finished of his drink and held up the glass offering, "Another round?"

Kate felt her cheeks flush and was immediately thankful for the dim atmosphere. "Ah, no—well, not here."

"Another bar?"

"Not exactly. C'mon." She had paid for the drinks upon receiving them so they needed only to leave their glasses behind as she led the way out of the narrow space in between booths and standing tables. Nearing the tight entranceway, Kate reached back and grabbed for her partner's wrist, making sure to guide him out behind her and into the now-cool night air. Once they were standing facing each other, she looked up at the perplexed expression he wore and giggled.

"What are you up to, Kate?"

She shrugged and then swayed her body back and forth, definitely feeling more than a little coy thanks to the after-effects of her whisky. "You haven't figured it out yet?"

"Evidently not."

"So why don't you walk me home and maybe you'll figure it out on the way."

He moved to take a step forward, but then stopped, drew back and gazed down at her cautiously. "What…what's going on?"

She half-laughed, half-grumbled at him. Why had he chosen that moment to forget how to be his incredibly observant self? Stepping up to face him Kate turned her expression as serious as the alcohol swirling around in her brain would allow. "Castle. I want you to come home with me."

Somewhat surprisingly, he began to appear very uncertain. He held up his hands, palms facing out, and took a small step back from her. "I…I thought this was just a drink?"

Again, she shrugged. "And now it's more." She took a step in the direction of her apartment building, but then realized he still appeared rather frozen, which caused her to knit her brow. "What's wrong?"

"Kate…"

Her face flushing for an entirely different reason, Kate took a full step back from him. She knew that tone—it was the same tone that any male used to preface a statement like, "It's not you, it's me," or "I thought we were just hanging out." Admittedly, she had not heard that tone often in her life, but she certainly knew it when she heard it. _Fuck!_ How had she been so wrong?

"I thought you wanted this?" The words slipped out without her permission, before she could turn, run, and hide. Wallow in mortification of being incorrect about one of the most unfortunate things to be incorrect about.

"No." His words sliced through her like hot iron, so painful that not only the look of great remorse on his face could soften then. "I…I can't. I can't do more."

Though she felt her diaphragm stutter in her chest with her next intake of breath, Kate felt rooted to the spot as her brain processed his words. Her heart wanted to sprint away as fast as possible, chain itself up with padlocks and Kevlar, never to be released again, but her brain—her brain was processing.

What did, "I can't," mean? He hadn't directly said he wasn't interested or used any variation of the ever-dreaded, "I only think of you as a friend," but had instead insisted that he could not be with her. But why? Was he—oh, god—was he with someone else? Wouldn't he have said? But then again, he didn't speak much about his dating life or relationships so maybe…maybe…

"Are you with someone?" she asked, her confused tone just barely above a whisper.

He lowered his chin, shook his head only fractionally, and then muttered out, "I can't—I'm sorry," before turning on his heel and walking quickly in the opposite direction.

"Castle!" she called out after him, but he didn't stop. He just walked away, never hesitating or turning back, leaving her to wonder what the hell had just gone wrong.

* * *

 **A/N** : First, a few quick details: There are 10 chapters. This fic will be **heavy M rated** beginning in Ch 7

Also, as you may have noticed, it's a slightly-AU beginning insofar as Castle's backstory only.

Finally, I did have inspiration for this story, however telling you what it is will ruin the surprise, so I'll be revealing that later on :)

For now, thank you for reading - hope you enjoy!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Sitting at her desk scrolling through her email inbox, Kate Beckett felt increasingly more irritated with every sip from the NYPD mug full of coffee resting between her keyboard and computer monitor. The bitter, acidic, unrefined taste felt like sandpaper on her spine. Weren't Mondays bad enough without bad coffee?

Unlike most mornings when she waited for her first cup of java in hopes that her partner would show up with a high-quality brew, she knew he would not be visiting her that morning. Perhaps he would never be visiting again. Were that the case she would be perfectly fine with it—perfectly fine. The last thing she needed was awkwardness in the workplace; they had serious police work to do.

After clicking through three more emails, Kate reached for her mug instinctively, but then grimaced the nearer it drew towards her face. This was just ridiculous! Just because Castle was (presumably) out of her life, did not mean she couldn't use the fancy coffee machine he'd gifted the precinct. That was absurd. He would never even know that she used it and she would not have to suffer through the battery-acid-like substance currently in her mug.

Pushing her chair back perhaps a bit harder than necessary, Kate stalked to the kitchen, unceremoniously dumped the contents of her mug in the sink, and then reached for the faucet tap to rinse it out. Once all the offending liquid was removed, she turned to Castle's fancy coffee maker.

 _Castle_. Ugh!

Just the mere thought of the man's name caused her blood to boil. In the little more than forty-eight hours since they'd last seen each other Kate had suffered a barrage of emotions. In the immediate aftermath, she could not bring herself to go to bed, so instead she paced around her apartment, traversing every surface dozens of times, obsessively running through the prior nine months in her mind wondering how she'd gone so wrong. She reviewed every conversation, every moment shared between them—every instance he gave her the inkling he might be interested in more. By three a.m. she'd fallen asleep on her couch convinced she he _had_ been interested, but Saturday morning had her second-guessing herself again.

By Sunday, she'd resigned to the fact that inviting Castle home with her after his book party had been an idiotic decision. Why couldn't she have simply been happy with the status-quo. They were partners and friends, which was already a relationship fairly unique in her life. She should have simply let things be, but oh no, she couldn't do that—all because she'd been thinking with body parts that were not her brain.

As the day progressed, she became not only irritated with herself, but with him as well. Why _didn't_ he want her? She wasn't narcissistic enough to believe all men should want her because of her attractive face and physique, but Castle had flirted! Extensively! And made it clear on many occasions how wonderful he though she was. He'd even written a damn book about her—inspired by her! If he had done it all just for the game of it, he was cruel, but she truly didn't think that was the case. He was so genuine and kind in every other facet that cruelty elsewhere was nearly unfathomable. It just didn't make sense!

By that morning, Kate decided she'd had enough. Her heart couldn't take going through every possible scenario over and over again; it ached too deep. Yes, the wound his rejection of her invitation was still gaping open and raw, but it like all the others would heal over and leave a tiny scar. She could handle that; she could move on and learn from her mistakes to be more careful in the future.

"Morning Beckett."

Kate glanced up just as Esposito walked into the breakroom and she issued a similar greeting while focusing on her brewing coffee. The male detective headed for the grittier brew she'd earlier rejected. "Your boy not joining us this morning?" he asked as he poured his cup.

"How should I know?" she growled out, already not looking forward to the inevitable chorus of "Where's Castle?" for the next few weeks until everyone became unaccustomed to his presence once more.

"Didn't you two leave together Friday night?"

Kate nearly dropped her coffee mug, but managed to hang on to it while shooting Esposito a dangerous glare. Fantastic; now she would get to re-live her embarrassment through the eyes of her partners.

Evidently sensing the threat, Esposito took a backwards step. "Oh, ah, I didn't…sorry it didn't work out. I always thought you two would."

"Yeah well tell that to him." She snipped before spinning on her heel and returning to her desk to seethe in peace.

When Kate sat back down at her desk, she hunched herself down as best she could to hide behind her monitors. Her actions were silly and childish—and she knew this—but she simply could not bring herself to bear witness to Esposito returning to his desk and telling his partner all about her dating fail. She did not expect mockery from them or any teasing comments as she believed they knew her well enough not to do that, but she would have almost welcomed them over what she expected to get: pity.

Damn Castle. Damn him for his rugged handsomeness, charming smile, and warm heart that had drawn her in and made her think that maybe embarking on a relationship again wouldn't be such a terrible idea. It had been two…ish years and, god, she was dumb enough to think that a relationship with Castle would end differently than all the others because of their friendship, because of their partnership, because he was _different_. What a fool she had been.

For ten more minutes Kate slogged through her inbox and had nearly cleared out all the unread items when she felt a prickling sensation at the back of her neck; someone was watching her. Her right hand froze on the computer's mouse while her left pressed firmly down on the desk surface in front of her keyboard. Someone was watching her but was it her partner, crawling back with his tail between his legs? God, wouldn't that jus be fantastic—they'd put on a show for Ryan and Esposito. She _really_ was not in the mood for that, particularly if—

Oh. It was only Ryan, hovering beside the chair in which Castle usually sat, pretending to check his phone, but glancing up far too frequently in her direction to be convincing.

Clearing her throat, Kate leaned back in her chair and asked pointedly, "Can I help you, Detective Ryan?"

"Uh me!?" His voice squeaked a little and he swiftly pocketed his phone once more. "Well, um, no—not exactly. I was just, um, thinking that maybe, well, we were-"

"Spit it out, Ryan!"

"Sorry—just." The detective stepped closer so he could speak with her in a tone barely above a whisper. "I know it's not my place but—you've read about Castle's accident, right?"

"What accident?"

"His motorcycle accident."

Her brow wrinkled as she recalled the incident the writer mentioned only once. "When he was in college? No, he said it was no big deal—why would I have looked that up?"

Ryan clicked his tongue and shook his head at her. "And you call yourself a detective…"

"What's that supposed to mean?" she snapped so abruptly that he visibly jumped. "Of course I checked his record when he started shadowing us; he doesn't have one." Like she would have let him in her cruiser if he had!

Recovering, Ryan leaned in and muttered, "Richard Rodgers, April '90. You're welcome."

Kate watched her colleague walk away as the creases in her brow deepened. What in the hell was Ryan on about? Castle's motorcycle accident? From the way he was acting, he made it seem as though Castle's sudden absence from her life and the accident were related, but how did that even make sense when the latter happened twenty years earlier?

Unable to suppress her curiosity, Kate turned back to her computer and pulled up the NYPD's database. She began tapping out the known information into the search bar, but paused. Why would Castle have a police record for a motorcycle accident? Unless he and his motorcycle were the cause of a larger crash. But he had said—oh. No; she had simply assumed.

Though the incident had been six months earlier, she did recall the conversation mostly because of how it had begun. One day when they were out canvassing for suspects, she noticed he was limping on his left leg. Since she felt they had just reached a point in their partnership when open teasing was welcome, she did not want to miss the opportunity, so she'd jokingly asked if he needed a cane. He'd chuckled and told her that he was fine; merely that he'd aggravated an old injury while working out. She'd asked what injury and he'd told her what he broke his leg and ankle when he was playing around on a friend's motorcycle during college. She'd expressed concern, but he'd brushed the incident off as no big deal—those had been his exact words. Now, it appeared there was more to the story.

Kate had first searched for Richard Castle's police record during their very first case together. He was, at that time, a suspect—though not a very likely one, considering only an utter moron would recreate his own fictional works in real life. When she pulled up his name she found he didn't have so much as a parking ticket, but at that time she hadn't known about his name change and thus her search had been incomplete.

Despite Ryan's little clue, Kate soon discovered that Richard Rodgers didn't have a record either. She sat perplexed for a moment and sipped on her coffee before switching databases to one that included all incidents, not just arrest records. Finally, she saw the incident to which he referred: suspected reckless driving; no charges filed. Using the exact date and new information, Kate searched for news articles that would detail the incident, and what she found made her cover her mouth to suppress a gasp.

 _20 Year Old Man Severely Injured in Crash_

 _Twenty-year-old Richard Rodgers suffered several injuries including severe burns to his legs and torso after crashing his motorcycle around one a.m. Friday morning. Two other men, Caleb Hendricks, 20, and Joshua Michaels, 21, were also injured in what seems to be a related crash. Authorities are still investigating a cause._

Kate read the first sentence of the article three times in succession before the words sunk in. _Severe burns to his legs and torso_. Oh god—poor Castle!

She leaned back in her seat and considered all the information now in front of her, just as she did with all her cases. Castle admitted to her that he broke a leg and an ankle in the accident, which seemed a fairly strange thing to lie about, plus the article had mentioned "several injuries" so she assumed he had been telling the truth. On the other hand he had not made any mention of the burns, which struck her as odd. The only explanation she could come up with was that he was embarrassed of the scars that presumably remained, which was not all that unreasonable, she supposed, but how did any of this relate to him turning down her invitation?

After several minutes of thought, Kate glanced over her computer monitors to see Ryan and Esposito standing beside the latter's desk, talking quietly together, glancing in her direction every so often. Shit. They knew something—they had to know something.

Kate quickly clicked a few keys on her computer to print out the article and corresponding police report she found on Castle's accident. After grabbing them from the printer, she walked over to her partners, held them out and demanded, "Did he tell you about this?"

Ryan shook his head. "No, we…we figured it out."

"How?"

"We're detectives."

Esposito rolled his eyes and smacked his partner's shoulder with the front of his hand. "Dude just tell her," he said, gesturing to Kate. In response, Kate folded her arms over her chest, popped out one of her hips, and arched one eyebrow, waiting.

Ryan glanced reluctantly between the detectives before rounding his shoulders and letting out a long exhale, as though he were about to confess to throwing a baseball through his parent's garage window. "He…he never uses the urinals in the restroom. We always thought it was kind of odd. Then, remember that case with the lost little girl? I went to help him take the wire off and I saw some scars."

"Where?"

"Didn't get a good look, but somewhere around here." Ryan moved his right hand to the area just below his belt and above his left hip and moved it around in small circles.

Kate pressed her lips tightly together as she considered this new information. Okay, so Castle did have burn scars. Scars he was embarrassed of, but so what? She wasn't some random floozy from a bar with the maturity of a middle schooler. She wasn't going to point and laugh at him. Would his concern over those scars really prevent him from having sex with her? It seemed too extreme to be true, but it was the only conclusion she could come to given the information the boys were presenting to her.

"So you think that-"

"We don't know anything more than what is in that article, Beckett, and frankly it's none of our business but…" Esposito's voice drifted off and he gave a little shrug. Puffing out his chest, he waved a hand casually in her direction. "Well, you know…"

"You smile now, Beckett; it'd be a shame to see that go away," Ryan added in a softer tone.

"What he said," Esposito grunted before trying to look manly once more.

Kate saw flashes of white soar before her eyes and she felt her forehead grow slick with perspiration as a mixture of mortification and rage coursed through her. What the hell was happening? Were her partners trying to encourage her to go crawling back to Castle? _He_ was the one who had rejected _her_. And, okay, maybe he was nervous about his scars—but maybe he wasn't. What if the boys were wrong? What if his accident had nothing to do with why he rejected her? Given all the facts she had, that seemed the most likely scenario and she was _not_ going to be rejected twice.

"You two are way out of line," she warned them in a hushed tone.

"He's an idiot, Beckett," Esposito told her wisely. "All we're saying is: he might not be as big of an idiot you think he is." With that, he sat back down at his desk and stared intently at his computer monitor. A moment later, Ryan did the same.

Desperate for an escape, Kate walked in the opposite direction, tossing the printed pieces of paper on the corner of her desk as she passed. She made her way into the women's restroom, picked a vacant stall, and shut herself inside before leaning back against the cool metal door.

What the hell was happening?

She was not this person. She was not the woman who wallowed over the man who turned her down. She didn't obsess and analyze a relationship trying to find out what went wrong. She didn't consider perusing a man who had already rejected her. Yet, there she was doing all of those things because of a man called Richard Castle.

Kate shut her eyes and covered her face with her hands as she thought about the scenario she was in. God, she never did this; she was never the bigger person—not in relationships. At the first inkling of heartache she would sprint for the door, practically leaving a Kate-shaped hole in its surface. She'd retreat to her apartment, perhaps lick her wounds for a few days depending on how deep the hurt had cut, and then reinvigorate her walls with a fresh coat of lead paint and chainmail. She refused to have her heart broken, to face that pain again, but where had that gotten her? A successful career, yes, but at the end of the day, she was still nearly thirty-one years old and going home alone each night.

Being alone was something Kate had consciously chosen, but not yet fully accepted. Most days, being alone wasn't all that terrible. Some days she even preferred it. But then there were the days when loneliness felt crushing and all she wanted was a strong arm around her, a smiling face, and someone who could make her forget a terrible day by drawing a laugh from her throat.

The thing of it was: by some miracle she'd stumbled upon that person without even realizing.

With Castle, she never expected anything more than something causal, professional, and fleeting. She figured they would be acquaintances at best—at least, that's how it started. They had been nothing more than that for a while, but sharing a squad car, chasing down killers, and ducking from bullets elevated things far beyond a casual scope.

Over the first few months of their working relationship Kate learned to trust her new partner in the field, in the interrogation room, and, finally, off the job. She got to know him as a person and allowed him to see pieces of her she'd never shown to anyone before. Each time she let something slip out, she shocked herself not with the admission, but with how easy it had been. Their partnership, their bond, was unlike something she had ever experienced before—unlike anything she could have ever imagined—and it wasn't something she was willing to give up. Not yet.

Kate spun around in a tiny circle in the toilet stall and felt her stomach flip as she imagined herself going to Castle's apartment and demanding he tell her why he'd turned down her advances. Damn it she didn't do that! That wasn't her! She didn't take leaps of faith—not like that. But god, Castle—how many times had he showed his faith in her? Wasn't it time she returned the favor?

Maybe the reasoning was simple—maybe it was his scars. If that was the case they could surely work through it. Maybe he was just afraid. She could handle that, certainly. But if it was something else—if he said no again…

God, then it really would be over. Their partnership would be gone and she'd face that heartache all over again.

Kate balled her fists and shook her head. No—no she couldn't; she wouldn't. But…

Could she really live without knowing the answer to the question spinning through her mind over the prior two days?

 _Why?_

* * *

 **A/N** : Thank you all so much for your reviews & follows! :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Setting her shoulders, Kate lifted her hand to knock on Castle's apartment door. The moment her knuckles touched the cool wood surface, the pterodactyl-sized butterflies in her stomach took flight and it was all she could do not to wince. She could do this. She could absolutely do this. She could have an honest, adult conversation about her feelings with her partner.

She had to.

A few moments later she heard the sound of footsteps approaching as the hardwood interior creaked. The footsteps stopped, there was a two second pause, and then she heard the door being unlatched. The writer's face appeared in the opening gap, curious but otherwise calm.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"I, um, I hope I'm not interrupting your packing or anything."

"Packing?"

"Don't you leave on your book tour tomorrow?" Standing in the bathroom stall earlier that day, Kate had decided to give herself overnight to think about her decision, but as she was washing her hands she recalled his book tour and cursed beneath her breath. If she didn't catch him before he left, she would need to wait over two weeks until he returned, for their conversation was not one she could possibly have over the phone. Thus, she'd spent several hours psyching herself up before going to the writer's place as soon as her shift ended.

"Oh, um," he glanced back towards the direction of his bedroom almost as if the notion of packing had not occurred to him until she just mentioned it. "Yeah but my flight's not until noon; I'll just throw something in a suitcase when I wake up. Would you like to come in?"

She bobbed her head and stepped inside when he opened the door wider. As he was shutting the door behind her she said, "I was thinking…we should probably talk."

He blinked. "Oh."

"About Friday night. And other things."

"Okay."

Kate took a few steps into the apartment and took a deep breath, preparing herself to recite the speech she prepared on the subway ride there. She'd considered just whipping out the article and demanding an explanation, but that approach seemed too aggressive. As she had little else to go on, she was operating under the assumption he was embarrassed about his scars and thus clearly nervous—and vulnerable. She thought perhaps if she showed a bit of her own vulnerability, she would make him feel more at ease about doing the same, but seeing as the words she was about to speak were ones she had never spoken before, she needed an extra moment to summon the courage.

Turning back to face his curious expression, Kate sucked in a deep breath. "There's something you should know about me if you hadn't figured it out already: I don't let people in. I'm closed off and always have one foot out the door. I have to because that way I can protect myself from being hurt. I don't want to hurt, not since my mother died. Losing her was the greatest hurt I'd ever faced and I never wanted to experience that again. So far, I've been pretty successful, because of how I live my life, but then Friday night…I stepped outside my walls, I took a chance, and when you said you couldn't be with me, I was hurt. Really hurt."

Castle linked his fingers together pleadingly and held them out before him as he took two steps forward. "I'm so sorry. I-"

She held up her hand to stop his speech, knowing she'd never finish hers if she didn't get it all out at once. "The thing is…I was ready to do what I always do: run, hide, and save myself from anymore heartache. I wasn't going to call you or reach out. I just thought I'd let whatever this was fade away. Then Espo asked where you were and... Apparently he and Ryan think we'd make a good couple." She explained, the tone of her voice ticking up on the last sentence.

Castle seemed equally surprised as she was when she discovered her partners' sentiments. "Wha—they told you that!?"

"Not in so many words. Point being: they showed me this." Kate dipped her fingers into her back pocket and pulled out the pages she'd folded into eights. She tugged at the edges, letting the papers flatten out, and then held them out to him. "Why didn't you tell me?"

He barely glanced down at the article for more than a second, obviously recognizing it immediately. He shrugged, folded the pages in half once again and said, "I did tell you."

"You said you had a motorcycle accident that broke your leg. You left out the part about severe burns."

"Yeah, well it was a long time ago." He muttered walking forward so that he stood in the centralized sitting are of his apartment. He dropped the pages onto the coffee table and planted his hands at his hips, keeping his back to her.

Kate watched him for a moment, waiting for him to make another comment, but he did not, so she stepped forward and said, "So what? You have scars? I don't care about that."

He turned back to her, shaking his head and appearing genuinely remorseful. "I'm sorry, Kate. This is my fault—all of it. I never…You have to believe me when I say the last thing I wanted was to hurt you. That's why I left Friday night, because…because being with me would hurt you."

Kate's brow crinkled as she stared up at the man who now looked so different than the one who had been smiling, laughing, and shaking hands on Friday night. This man before her now was but a shadow of that one. He looked small and scared…and not unlike the timid, soft-spoken man she'd pulled into an interrogation room nine months earlier. This didn't make sense; nothing made sense.

"I don't understand—how would being with you hurt me?" she asked, but his only response was to shake his head and turn his back on her once more. Unable to accept such a comment without further explanation, Kate walked forward and reached out her hand to touch his shoulder. "Castle?"

The moment her fingers came in contact with his shirt, the writer jumped as though he'd been struck with a blade and scurried around the other side of the coffee table calling out, "Stop! Just stop!"

Kate watched with equal amounts of concern and confusion as his eyes darted back and forth and his chest began to heave. This man was not her Castle. He was beginning to resemble one of her suspects: crazed and feral, pinned in a corner ready to lash out at anyone who came too close. But it was too extreme for the man she knew—too vicious.

"What is going on with you?" she asked calmly, not approaching, but bending her knees and hunching her shoulders to appear less forceful. "If you have a few scars then-"

"A few scars!? I am nothing but scars!" He blurted out, throwing up his hands. He stared at her, eyes wide and wild, and shook his head continuously. "Everywhere! Everything! It's all scars and I…I can't. I just…I can't…I can't…" As he repeated the phrase, she watched him crumble, his arms drawing inward, his knees buckling. Then, slowly, the deep gasps in his chest became stuttered and were soon followed by gut-wrenching sobs.

"Oh, Castle." Kate sighed out, her hear aching for the partner she cared for. She hurried around the coffee table and reached out her hands to touch his arm and shoulder. He flinched at the touch, but didn't shy away, so she guided him forward until he was in front of the couch. "Here—sit down. Do you want me to get you some water?"

He shook his head and choked out a few more sobs. Kate rubbed her hand in smooth circles over his back while searching the room for a box of tissues. She spotted one on the kitchen island a few feet away and dashed towards it. When she returned to the cushion beside him, she slid the tissue box onto his knees and returned her hand to the center of his back.

She let him cry for a few minutes and continued to rub his back as her brain struggled to process the scene she had witnessed. He was scarred, obviously, but had he really faced such an adverse reaction from previous partners that he was this terrified to let her see? Because that was the only word she could come up with to explain his behavior: terrified. She had never seen him that way, not even in the face of gunfire, which led her to believe that the trauma he faced was more than just skin deep.

As he sobs quieted, Castle grabbed tissue after tissue to mop up his cheeks and beneath his nose. Kate moved her hands so that it skimmed across the back of his neck and then she squeezed the shoulder closest to him saying, "Rick? Hey—look at me."

He did so after a moment, though with clear reluctance. "I'm sorry."

She offered a reassuring smile. "Don't be sorry. We're partners, remember? It's all part of the job," she said in as light a tone she could manage, but he evidently didn't see the humor in it, because he merely reached for another tissue and shook his head.

"I'm sorry if I made you think—it's not. It's not you. I'm sorry; it's not you. God, I swear it's not—not just you. I—I can't be with anyone."

"Anyone?" she asked. He shook his head. "Why not?"

He pushed the tissue box from his knees onto the floor and lowered his head so that his hands could skim across his face while his elbows remained on his thighs. Kate watched him intently, felt his body shiver under the hand that still rested at his shoulder, and waited patiently for the explanation she simply couldn't fathom.

"I can't…I can't have sex," he rasped out.

Kate's hand immediately went slack and dropped off his shoulder. "You…" but her voice trailed off in the wake of an explanation her brain cells simply couldn't process. Couldn't have sex? What did that even mean? What could—

 _Oh god_.

Her breath caught in her chest as Ryan's words echoed in her ear. _He never uses the urinal; we thought it was odd_.

Oh. Jesus. Oh Jesus. He didn't just have scars; he was _scarred_ in the cruelest of ways. "Oh—oh god Rick"

"I'm so sorry." He whimpered, burying his face deeper into his hands.

Kate almost winced from the feeling of her heart twisting in her chest. "Oh no—don't." She hadn't even realized how far away from him she leaned until she needed to tilt her torso forward to come in contact with his once more. She placed her left hand in the center of his back while grabbing onto his left bicep with her right. "Don't apologize, Rick. It's not your fault. I…I just wished you would have told me."

He lifted his head enough to give her an incredulous side gaze. "This isn't something I share with the world, Beckett—that I'm not even a man anymore."

Her expression didn't falter as she said, "Of course you are. And I'm not asking you to share it with the world; I'm asking you to share it with me; your partner." The way she figured if she knew half the story, she might as well know all of it; that only seemed fair. Plus, she wanted to know his story just as he had fought so hard to learn hers.

Castle took a moment, collected all his used tissues, and piled them all on the coffee table. Then, leaning back on the couch, he twisted his body so he could more easily face hers. Kate leaned back and pulled her hands into her lap to listen to his tale.

"It was Easter break. Mother was doing a traveling play and so I went out to visit a classmate who lived on Long Island. He had a bunch of these motorcycles in his garage—they were his and his brothers. A bunch of us guys were there, we'd had a few beers and thought taking the motorcycles for a spin would be a good idea. They showed me how to operate it but I'd never ridden before. I was doing okay until I took a corner too quickly and went out of control. I…I don't really know what happened. One second I felt the bike skid, I tried to correct, and the next thing I knew I was on the ground and the bike was on top of me.

"People were yelling, screaming, and that's when I smelled it—the smoke, burning flesh. I looked down and it was…god," he shook his head and skimmed his hands over his chin. "It was like I was seeing myself from above, I couldn't believe it was real, but I knew…I knew I was going to die under that bike. I was trapped; I couldn't move. I was just going to suffer and burn until..." He cleared his throat and gazed up at her again. "I blacked out, I guess, because I woke up in the hospital a day later. Everyone was so grim I thought I'd lost my leg. In hindsight I almost wish I had."

Kate brushed a tear from her cheek before reaching out to grasp onto his forearm with both of her hands. "I can't even imagine how horrific that was for you." Truly, she couldn't. To have burns anywhere on the body would have been horrible, but _there_ …it was unfathomable.

"The doctors and nurses kept telling me: at least you're alive, you're lucky to be alive. It took me a while to see it, but I know there's a reason I survived I just…it hasn't been easy."

Kate nodded and let his words settle over her for a moment before she scooted a bit closer to him on the couch, considering how to carefully word her next statement. "So, um, not to be too intrusive, but just so we're on the same page: what you're saying is everything…" She skimmed her left hand flat across the open air above her lap "…is gone?" She didn't want to pry too much, but the investigator in her was dying to know all the nitty-gritty details. Based on Ryan's assessment of his bathroom practices and his commentary about sex she could only assume the vast majority of his external male organs were no longer present.

He cleared his throat. "Um, no, not everything, but what's left isn't very recognizable."

Kate said nothing; what was there to say? Nothing she could say or do could bring back what he'd lost. Seeing as twenty years had passed he had clearly become accustomed to living without. Given the extent of his injuries, though, she couldn't say she blamed him for his extreme emotional reaction to revealing the truth; she imagined most if not all men would react similarly.

"So, ah, I guess I really do owe you a giant apology—giant. I am irrevocably sorry because, as I said, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. So if you….if you want me to stop shadowing, stop writing Nikki Heat…"

She blinked and leaned back, a bit startled. "What? Why would I want those things?"

He shrugged dumbly. "I don't know—to make it less painful because we can't be together romantically?"

A grunt escaped Kate's lips and she fought to keep from rolling her eyes. "Well, despite what most men think, romance has absolutely nothing to do with your genitals."

He gazed at her wide-eyed for a moment before stammering out, "I…I don't…"

"Castle," she began, sliding her hand onto his forearm once more, "you've been flirting with me for a year and Friday night I was finally going to do something about it; this doesn't change my mind." Would their relationship be difficult? Probably. Would it be different? Most certainly. But she didn't care about him because of what was (or in this case—was not) beneath his clothing. His heart was still the same. His mind. His sense of humor. All those reasons she fell for him remained the same.

Pushing himself up off the couch, he brought his left hand up to rake through his hair, and then turned to face her wearing a guilty expression. "I shouldn't have—it was misleading and cruel."

Kate stood from the couch and stepped forward so she stood barely a foot from him. Looking directly into his eyes she asked, "Do you have feelings for me?"

"More than I have for anyone," he confessed, his tone achingly desperate.

Kate smiled one of the easiest smiles of her life and said, "Then shut up." With that, she stepped forward, rose up on her toes, and used her hands against his cheeks to guide their lips together. He fell forward without hesitation, tilting his head just enough to execute an unquestionably perfect if not highly emotional first kiss. For the span of three seconds they remained tethered, until Castle broke their connection, gripped her forearms with his hands and held her away from him as he shook his head.

"Kate, no. Please. I've been down this path before and it never works out. If you think sex doesn't matter, it does; it always does."

She tilted her head and looked at him, a bit perturbed. "Castle, what do you know about me?"

His hands dropped away from her forearms and he skimmed his left hand over his brow as he spoke. "That you're extraordinary, passionate, kind, smart, stubborn-"

"Exactly." She interrupted when he hit the point she was looking for. She wouldn't deny it—she could be stubborn as hell, and in this particularly instance there was no way she was backing down. "So less talking, more kissing."

She stepped up to him, but he stopped her once again, by taking two steps back and sadly shaking his head. "Kate. We're…we're both going to get hurt."

Being hurt was, unfortunately, one of the scenarios she had to accept when arriving at his doorstep that evening, but it didn't stop her from knocking on the door, and though the road before them was uncertain, she still felt more than confident that they had a chance. Her voice turning soft, she reached out her right hand and dusted it over his chest. "There's no rule book for this, Rick, but… I promise to be honest with you about how I'm feeling and I want you to do the same and we'll just see what happens okay?"

She watched as he took in a deep breath and let it out slow, his eyes never leaving hers. Then, after another beat he said, "Okay."

"Okay." She echoed. Then, smiling, she stood on her toes and kissed him once more. Kate wound her arms around his neck and pulled their bodies closer together. She felt his left arm loop around her waist while his right snuck around so his hand could cradle the back of her head as their lips came together again and again.

After several long, slow kisses and a few short ones, Castle pulled back enough to rest his forehead against hers and settle his hands at her waist. "Now I kind of wish I didn't have to leave tomorrow," he said.

"Me too, but it's only two and a half weeks, right?"

He hummed in confirmation. "And we can talk on the phone."

"Definitely."

He held her close for the span of another minute before she felt him pulling back. Kate opened her eyes to see his tentative expression, so she asked what was wrong. His brow knit and he asked, his voice just above a whisper, "Are you sure about this?"

Kate skimmed her fingers down the line of his jaw until she could grasp the outside edge of his earlobe between her index finger and thumb. She rubbed it for a moment before smiling and assuring him, "One hundred percent certain."

* * *

 **A/N** : Okay, a couple things. First, as a few people guessed in the reviews, I just want to once again point out that Castle is not a eunuch-he clarifies that in this chapter.

I understand that this particular plot choice might be a "deal breaker" for some readers, and that's perfectly fine; I understand that. I will have several other things posting (mini fic, pornado stuff next weekend) if you're not interested in this story. Plus I will have a Christmas fic in December.

And for those curious I can finally reveal my inspiration. If anyone watches Game of Thrones, I was inspired to write this from a scene from the most current season between Grey Worm & Missandei. If you're not caught up, I won't spoil it for you, but if you are you should probably know exactly what I'm talking about :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Sitting at her computer that Wednesday morning, her elbow propped on the desk and her closed fist propping up her cheek, Kate sighed as she skimmed through the report she had just finished typing up. As she proofread for typos or grammatical errors, she felt the same disappointment she had upon discovering the victim's body with a wooden stake through his heart. Of course the young man's death was tragic, but all Kate could think about was how much her partner would have _loved_ the case—vampires and all. He would have had an absolute blast, but he'd missed it and several others during his three weeks away.

Kate completely understood and accepted why he wasn't there. As much as she liked to think of him as her true partner, Castle did need to do things for his "real job" on occasion. Considering many years ago she had been one of those fans thrilled to see him in person at a book signing, she could not deny the value and importance of his trip; yet, she was still disappointed when he informed her it had been extended an extra few days.

Though she kept plenty busy with cases, household chores and the two girls' nights Lanie had dragged her out on, Kate still found herself missing Castle most of the time. They had spoken on the phone nearly every day that he was gone, and when they couldn't speak a few text messages kept each other in the loop, but it just wasn't the same! Particularly in light of the events on the last night they'd seen one another in person.

For the prior three weeks, the revelation about Castle's physical limitations in the wake of his accident weighed on Kate's mind heavily. In fact, hardly a moment passed when she didn't think about it, but that didn't mean she was second guessing her decision to enter into a romantic relationship with him. She still wanted that, but once she came down from the emotional turmoil of their evening together, reality began to set in.

If Castle was physically unable to have sex it mean that she would not be having sex for the duration of their relationship. As obvious as that conclusion seemed, it did take her nearly a full day to process and accept it. His limitation did not mean she was barred from all sexual activities—she could certainly partake on her own and perhaps he might even join in by using his hands or a vibrator. He might not be ready for that right away—and she was fine with that—but perhaps in time he would be.

As these thoughts processed through her mind, Kate decided that one of the first things she and her new boyfriend needed to discuss were the ground rules of their physical relationship. How intimate would be too intimate for him? She wasn't sure, but wanted to make sure they were clear up front with his level of comfort.

Despite these complications, Kate never once thought about changing her mind about the escalation in their relationship status. After just one kiss she knew they had something special. Their "phone dates" as he called them, only proved that point further. Hearing his voice, his laugh had always been comforting to her, but now since they were more open about their feelings, that comfort was amplified. For the duration of each call she grinned so wide her cheeks hurt by the time they said their goodbyes. Her feelings were school-girlish and almost silly the way her heart felt like it was soaring, but she didn't care; he made her truly happy and that feeling was one she hadn't had in quite some time.

Sucking in a deep breath, Kate set her shoulders and focused more intently on her report. It was fine—she could totally wait thirty-six more hours to see him (not that she was counting down the hours or anything…). Plus, since she had the weekend off, they could spend even more time together once he was back and that was definitely motivation enough to finish all the reports from her latest case.

After clicking the "save" button on the first page of her report, Kate searched back through all the documents related to their case to make sure everything was in order. When she couldn't find one of their warrants, she stood and peered over her computer monitor towards her partners, who were working on paperwork of their own. "Hey Espo, I think this file is missing one of the warrants you guys got. Can you please check again and make sure everything is tagged in the system?"

"You got it!" he called back across the precinct to her.

"Is Espo messing up paperwork again?"

Kate gasped and spun around when the sound of a familiar voice hit her ears. Just a few feet away, approaching from the elevators, she spotted her partner—and new boyfriend—approaching with a most welcome sight: two takeaway cups of coffee. "Castle! What are you doing here?"

"What do you mean? Where else would I be?"

"Thank you," she said as she reached for the cup he held out to her. "And last I heard you were in Seattle and wouldn't be back until tomorrow."

He shrugged casually. "Last minute change of plans—I took a redeye."

Kate hummed as the delicious vanilla infused coffee taste swirled over her tongue; god, she had missed that. Then, taking in her partner's surprisingly wide grin she said, "Took a redeye? And then came right here?"

"Wanted to see you." He told her gently before adding, "Besides my cup is actually filled with ten shots of espresso. Soon I'll be vibrating!"

She laughed, reached out her free hand and squeezed his forearm. "I'll be sure to watch out for that."

"Hey," he said softly when she went to pull her hand away. He slid his arm back so that he could grasp her fingers with hers and he said gently, "I missed you."

She felt her cheeks flushing as she admitted, "I missed you, too." She had missed him every time he disappeared from the precinct for more than just a few days at a time and she was glad to finally be able to admit that.

"Oh, Ryan, I missed you _so much_."

"I missed you too, Espo!"

Kate lifted her head and shot a glare at the duo mocking them from a few feet away. She dropped Castle's hand, folded her arms over her chest and demanded, "What was that?" in her most threatening manner.

"Ah, nothing…" Esposito insisted, his tone sounding more like a squeak.

"I thought you guys wanted this." Castle chimed in.

The boys exchanged incredulous glances before Ryan said, "We have no idea what you're talking about."

"I'm sure," he responded mockingly. Then, he turned back to his partner with a smile. "Any dead bodies this morning?"

She half laughed. "No. We just finished up a case and I'm doing paperwork. I know, I know," she quickly added at the grimace that crossed his face. "But the good news is I should get off on time tonight."

His expression brightened. "Dinner?"

She nodded. "If you don't think you'll be too tired."

"For you? I'll definitely be awake. Any requests?"

"Castle—you don't have to make me dinner."

He shrugged. "I don't mind."

She considered a moment before suggesting, "Well, since you're tired and I'm getting off at a reasonable time—why don't we make it together?"

He arched an eyebrow, clearly intrigued. "Together? Okay; it's a date."

* * *

"Wha…Castle—I smell food. You didn't wait for me? I thought we were cooking together," Kate said in a half-scolding, half-disappointed tone when she walked into the writer's apartment that evening. She shrugged off her jacket, hung it by the door, and then followed him as he returned to the kitchen.

"Ah! But! Then I got the brilliant idea to whip up my own marinara sauce—and by whip up I meant let simmer on the stove for several hours until it was," he paused to kiss his index finger and thumb and then hold them up into the air, "perfection. If I waited for you, we wouldn't be eating until midnight; there's still plenty left for you to help with."

Kate's brow rose. "Your own marinara sauce? You didn't have to go to that much trouble."

He merely shrugged. "But I wanted to. It's our first date; I wanted it to be special."

She let out a breathy laugh. "First date…"

He tilted his head as he looked at her, slightly concerned. "What? Don't you think so?"

She shook her head. "It's just…we've known each other almost a year—first date makes it seem so new or casual. I mean you're completely right—it does fit all the definitions, it just…"

"No, I understand, but what else would I call it?"

"Fair enough." She nodded. Then walked over and stood beside him as he gave the contents of a large stock pot a stir with a wooden spoon. "But does this mean I won't get a kiss until the end of the evening?"

A purposefully contemplative expression crossed his face and then he grinned and reached out one hand to sneak around her waist. "No, I think we can make an exception for that." Then, he leaned down and placed two quick kisses on her lips. Humming he said, "Did I mention that I missed you?"

"You did, but I missed you so much it's worth mentioning twice." She kissed him again before looping her arms around his waist and giving him a quick hug. Then, she walked over to the kitchen sink before washing her hands and following his instructions to pull the vegetables for their salad out of the refrigerator and the box of pasta out of the pantry. "What? You don't make your own pasta, too?" she teased as she put the box of pasta on the island counter beside the stovetop.

"Making pasta is decidedly more complicated than making sauce, so I never tried it—but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be up to the challenge if you were willing to help."

"Oh." She laughed. "I don't know if my culinary skills are up to that task. Where's the cutting board?"

"The cabinet beside the one beneath the sink."

"Thanks."

Kate retrieved the board as he instructed and then pulled a knife from the block on the counter to begin slicing up the vegetables for their salad. They worked side by side for several minutes before Castle chimed in with, "I like this—us being domestic. It's nice."

She smiled over at him. "It is. Very nice. And…natural, right?"

"Absolutely; it's like you've always been here."

After another few minutes of comfortable silence, Castle pulled his pot of marinara off the stove and walked over to the cabinets to retrieve a smaller, more manageable serving dish for its contents. On his way, he brushed his lips over the back of Kate's head and she felt his fingers or the back of his knuckles grazing over the crest of her buttocks, which she believed to be unintentional, but it did remind her of one of the discussion points she intended to bring up that weekend: their level of intimacy moving forward.

"Hey, so, um," she cleared her throat before continuing. "I don't know if now is exactly the right time to ask this, but I was thinking about it while you were away and since this is our first date and all it seems like something we should discuss tonight."

"What?"

"I think…I think we should talk about intimacy guidelines and our respective comfort levels."

His brow crinkled slightly. "Intimacy guidelines?"

She nodded. "We agreed to be open and honest with each other, so I just want to know where you stand. We hug, and we're kissing, but…well, are we ever going to see each other naked or…?"

"Oh." His eyes flared wide momentarily as he caught on to her implication. "I guess…I guess I'm not entirely sure since I haven't done this before—at least not to this extent."

Kate finished slicing the last tomato, set down her knife, and turned to face him. "Just tell me what you're comfortable with, Castle, and we can go from there."

He lowered his gaze to the floor and was silent for thirty seconds before saying, "For now I…I think it might be best not to do any below the waist touching and…and we'll just see how it goes."

She nodded. "Okay."

"I'm-"

"Don't." She cut off what she assumed to be an apology due to his uncertain expression. "Don't be sorry for who you are, Castle. I told you it was okay." The absolute last thing she wanted was for him to be uncomfortable with their actions and only doing them because he thought it was something she wanted. Yes, in time she hoped for them to be as intimate as they could be given his limitations, but she was more than willing to wait. She understood that because of his history with women he would need more time to ease into a physical relationship and she had no problems waiting.

"Thank you."

She nodded. "No problem. Now, what should I do next?"

* * *

After sharing a delicious meal and cleaning up the leftovers, Castle suggested they sit on his couch and find something to watch on TV since he reluctantly admitted to being rather tired after his all-night flight. Kate offered to leave but he insisted he wasn't ready for her to go just yet and she couldn't say she felt differently.

When he settled on the couch and picked up the television remote, Kate sat down immediately beside him and snuggled herself against his side. Without even thinking, she let her right hand fall against the outside edge of his knee. It rested against his jeans for three seconds before she realized what she had done and pulled it back with a gasp of, "I'm sorry! I didn't even-"

"It's okay, Kate." He assured with an easy shake of his head. "You can touch my knee. I meant…other areas."

"Just making sure." When he'd made the comment about not touching below the waist, she had assumed he was really referring to the area in and around his groin, but did not want to not take him literally if that was his intention. Still, she didn't want to inadvertently make him uncomfortable, so she tucked her folded hands into her lap and nestled her head in the space between his shoulder and the back of the couch.

Kate said nothing as Castle flipped through the channels and finally settled on a Rangers game. Truthfully, she had little interest in what was on the screen; all she wanted to do was snuggle against the man she'd missed for three weeks. Technically, it was their first ever snuggle, which normally she probably would not have partaken in on a first date, but just like everything else this was yet another unique element to their relationship.

Historically, in new relationships Kate remained quite reserved when it came to physical intimacy. Hugs, kisses, and sexual activities came on a timeline that she deemed appropriate based on how she felt about the relationship. Possibly a bit ironically, snuggling and relaxing in the presence of a significant other typically came much later for Kate. She was always cautious if not slightly suspicious of a new partner, but there was none of that with Castle.

This man beside her was the one she dreamed of curling up beside for quite some time. Several times over the prior month she had to continually fight urges to reach out and grab his hand or throw her arms around his neck and hug him. She just wanted to curl up beneath his strong arms and relax into his embrace, letting all her stress melt away, which initially was a feeling equally unfamiliar and terrifying, but now it just felt natural; the next step in their intimacy.

As the game on TV did little to hold Kate's attention, her eyes began drifting around the walls of Castle's apartment. She'd been there many times before. Mostly to pick him up, so she barely moved past the entryway, but other times for drinks or dinner. She'd observed some of his knickknacks and wall decorations at that time, but nothing too in depth. The existence of many bookshelves filled with dozens of titles did not surprise her. Nor did the seemingly juvenile figurines—at least, not now that she knew his childlike humor was only part of his charm.

She was, however, reminded of the first time she went to his apartment on the night they met. It was late and he had answered the door wearing flannel pajama pants and a hooded sweatshirt. When she'd asked him to come down to the precinct, he'd asked to change and was allowed, but per protocol she needed to stick close. At the time, she'd been struck by how empty his apartment felt. Not physically—he had plenty of furniture and decorations—but emotionally. He had virtually no pictures of himself or his family; the apartment just seemed…cold.

Thinking back to that time, Kate was stuck by how different her impression of him was originally versus now. He had been _so_ different—quiet, almost timid, and nervous seeming. By all accounts he was virtually the opposite of the funny, warm-hearted, confident man she knew today. Well, he had been confident until she began dredging up the painful events surrounding his accident, but that seemed only logical. Still, she found it odd how his characteristics had changed so dramatically.

Leaning back on the sofa, Kate studied the profile of the man beside her while skimming one of her hands over her chin. Slowly, the puzzle pieces of his life began to fall into place. When they'd first met he was shy and unsettled. The case hadn't done his mood any favors, surely, but there was more to it. Given what she knew about him, she could not help but wonder if perhaps it was because he was coming off a breakup of sorts.

Castle's emotional reaction to her inquiry about his accident had been one of the most heartbreaking she'd ever seen. She could only imagine how much worse it would have been if she wasn't as calm, supportive, and patient with him as she had been. Had she been the type of woman to have an adverse reaction—even if it was to calmly tell him she was uninterested in a relationship without intercourse—she imagined his negative reaction would have increased significantly.

As much as it broke her heart to imagine it, she could foresee Castle being upset for weeks perhaps even months if he'd been rejected in a particularly cruel way for his physical limitations. She hated that; she didn't want to see him hurt. Yet, at the same time, the detective in her was glad to have some semblance of an explanation for a scenario she found perplexing.

"Are you staring at me, Detective?"

"Wha—oh." She felt her cheeks blush when he turned his head and caught sight of the way she'd been gazing at him. "Not exactly. I was…I was just thinking about when we first met. I couldn't figure you out."

"You mean…you couldn't judge a book by its cover," he deadpanned.

She rolled her eyes and gave his arm a little shove. "No, not like that. I wasn't judging you by how you looked, but how you acted. I didn't know what to make of you those first few days. The best way I explained it to myself was that you were a quasi-reclusive, artsy writer, but my brain never accepted that because your personality just didn't fit. Yeah, you were uncertain at first, but you came out of you shell so quickly after we started working together. It was…practically overnight, actually. You became this bubbly, joking, friendly guy who wasn't at all like the one I first met, but now that I know you it seems like who you truly are."

He nodded and turned his body to face her. "It is—who I was before my accident, anyway. Popular in school, bit of a prankster, friends with everyone… but in the past twenty years I've struggled with depression. When we first met I was just coming out of a rather low valley that came about as a result of changing medications."

Kate nodded vigorously. Though her theory about rejection could have worked, this made much more sense as it was something she had personal experience with. "Oh—I get that. After he got out of rehab my dad took meds for a while and the first one he took gave him crazy side effects so I'm glad you found one that worked."

"No, I—I actually haven't taken any in over six months." He clarified. Then, after a beat added, "Because of you."

Kate felt her heart do a summersault in her ribcage, struggling to believe she could have affected him in such a way. "M-me?"

He nodded and reached out his hand to grasp hers. "Shadowing the team, helping with your cases—it gave me the sense of purpose that I thought I'd lost. Yeah, I had my writing, but writing is a solitary task—isolated, like I'd made my life. I struggled to be a 'normal' man, but doing what we did together showed me that I could be more than just what remained after my accident. And being around you—it made my life worth living again. _You_ made my life worth living again."

He paused to give her hand a squeeze and then pull it towards his chest, cradling it there with both of his. Kate fought to keep the tears forming in her eyes from falling as he gazed lovingly at her.

"The way I feel about you—I didn't think it was possible for me to feel those things; truly, I didn't. Seeing you every day—watching you smile when I brought you coffee—it made me happy; it gave me something to look forward too and soon I realized I didn't need the meds anymore so with my doctor's help I went off of them and I've never even thought of them again because I have you." He lifted her hand to his lips, kissed her knuckles, and then dropped it down to his chest once more. He stared at her for thirty more seconds before cringing and asking, "How sappy did all that sound?"

"Not at all!" She insisted, quickly brushing away a stray tear with her free hand. Beautiful, kind, and heartwarming, but not sappy. "It was sweet, Castle. And if that's sappy, I guess I'm sappy too, because I feel similarly. I didn't…I didn't have things to look forward to or that made me consistently happy. But you do—every day."

Grinning, he reached out his right hand to cup her cheek and brush another tear away. They gazed at each other for several more moments before he concluded. "We are so gross."

Not expecting that comment, Kate laughed loudly but then nodded in agreement. "I know."

"It's great isn't it?"

"Totally great." She leaned in to give him a sweet kiss and then snuggled her body up to his once again.

"We're going to have to bribe Ryan and Espo or something or they won't let me work crime scenes with you guys anymore."

"Oh speaking of." She lifted her head off his shoulder to look at him. "I don't think we really talked about this either but—I think we should keep this a little hush-hush."

"Why?"

"Because Montgomery might kick you to the curb if he finds out."

He nodded slowly. "Oh. I guess I didn't think of that."

Kate honestly wasn't sure how her captain would react. If she was in a relationship with a fellow detective on her team like Ryan or Esposito one of them would most certainly be transferred to another division, but since Castle wasn't an employee she wasn't sure what Montgomery would do. "We're definitely in the grey area of the regs, but just for now? We can tell our families of course but at work we'll be professional. If you can manage that."

He clicked his tongue with offense. "Hey! I'm professional!"

She rolled her eyes and settled her head back on his shoulder. "Whatever you say, Castle."

* * *

 **A/N** : Thank you all so much for all your support of this story after the admittedly nontraditional plot twist. I hope you continue to enjoy the story!


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

When the persistent ringing of her cell phone pulled her from slumber, Kate Beckett moaned and reached out her arm above her head to grope on the nightstand for her cell phone. When her fingertips caught the smooth corner of the device, she picked it up, held it in front of her face, and cracked one eye open enough to view the "accept call" button. She tapped it and then held the phone to her ear.

"Beckett."

"We have received report of a dead body in a dumpster uptown, Detective," she heard the dispatch coordinator say.

"Mm okay. Forward the address to my phone."

"Yes ma'am."

Without saying another word, Kate pulled the phone away from her ear, rested it on her chest, and exhaled slowly. Two minutes; she'd get up in two minutes.

Before she could doze off again she heard an overly-loud sighing yawn from beside her before a gruff voice asked, "Body?"

Kate rolled her head to the side to gaze at the man sharing her bed. "Dumpster body."

"Ooo the best kind," he teased, his voice still a little gravely.

She grunted an acknowledgement then rolled over, kissed his shoulder, and reluctantly sat up in bed.

"Hey wait," Castle said, grabbing onto her arm before she could slide away. "Can I come?"

Kate arched her eyebrow at him. She had no problem with him at her crime scene, but unfortunately since their sleepover had been rather impromptu, they had a larger issue. "In yesterday's clothes?"

"The boys won't notice."

"Castle," she groaned, scolding him.

"Yeah ok. Send me the address and I'll meet you there"

"You got it," she said right before yawning. Forcing herself out of bed, she stumbled forward and into her closet, reaching both arms up high overhead to stretch out her back and shoulders. She picked through the hung up clothing, pulling out dress pants and a crisp white shirt, before turning around and walking to her dresser drawers to retrieve appropriate undergarments. Behind her, she heard the mattress squeaking and when she turned back around, she saw Castle was standing and stretching as well. She smiled at him; it was nice having him here in the morning just as it had been nice falling asleep beside him.

The prior afternoon Castle had shown up at the precinct claiming to be bored and looking to spend time with her. As she was finishing up the paperwork from her last case, she had nothing to entertain him with, so he milled around, chatting with different officers, before sitting in the chair beside her desk and annoying her by playing with all her office supplies until she finally announced they could go home. They picked up takeout and rented a movie, and retired to her couch for the remainder of the evening.

When the movie was over, Kate realized her companion was half asleep so she suggested that he simply stay the night. He looked initially hesitant, but after she expressed she had no intentions beyond sleeping beside one another, he agreed, though he warned her that he hadn't shared a bed with a woman in quite some time, but she assured him she didn't care.

After taking turns in the bathroom, Kate began to change into her pajamas in front of her boyfriend without thinking twice about it. In what she now considered his most adorable moment to date, he'd stood awkwardly at the end of the bed while she unbuttoned her blouse and asked, "Um, do you want me to wait in the hall?" Initially, she'd laughed, but when she'd spotted the look of equal parts confusion and concern on his face, she'd simply gone over and given him a hug, explaining she had absolutely no problem with him seeing her naked. As she continued to change, he sat on his side of the bed, though she was fairly certain he hadn't actually looked at her—not that it mattered; he would when he was ready.

Despite that slightly awkward exchange, curling up beside him had felt just as natural as the rest of their budding relationship and she couldn't wait to do it again.

"I, ah, I just wanted to say last night was nice."

Kate looked over at him and smiled. "It was"

He finished pulling on his jeans and approached her as he buttoned them up. "As I said, it had been a while for me. More than a while, actually and I… I guess I….I hope I didn't kick you."

She grinned at how, once again, he was being adorable. Walking over to him, she kissed his lips briefly and said, "You were fine, Castle. I'll see you in a bit."

He nodded. "I'll bring the coffee."

* * *

"Heeeyy you guys."

Kate tilted her head and half-smiled at her medical examiner friend, slightly perplexed by her odd-sounding greeting. She glanced back over her shoulder to make sure Castle wasn't pulling a face or doing something otherwise ridiculous, but he was not. He looked perfectly normal and so did she—or so she believed.

"Hi…," she returned, a bit suspicious.

Lanie stopped them near the entrance to the alleyway and clasped her gloved hands together asking, "How are you guys?"

"Fine…" Castle responded, his tone also sounding a mixture of confused and suspicious.

When she watched Lanie give a happy little handclap, Kate's brow wrinkled. "Why are you….oh god, they told you didn't they – Ryan and Espo." She knew she should have sworn them to secrecy, but she honestly thought they knew what was at stake for them and thus would remain appropriately silent, but it seemed to be the only reasonable explanation for Lanie's sudden bizarre attitude.

Grinning and swaying side to side, she replied, "Told me what?"

"Lanie!"

"Okay, okay. I kind of figured it out after the last time you guys were down in the morgue and then I made them confirm it – so don't blame them! I just so happy for you guys!" Lanie reached out and squeezed on to Kate's forearm.

A nervous laugh escaped Kate's lips and she glanced quickly at the man standing beside her. Then, looking around, she saw no officers within immediate earshot so she leaned in closer to her friend and said, "Thank you, but we're trying to keep it a little-"

"Hush hush I know, but man!" Lanie continued at a volume that did not indicate she understood the meaning of 'hush hush.' "You guys! You must be going crazy–I'm shocked you were able to leave the bedroom long enough to come to work this morning!"

"Wow." Castle commented before quickly taking a long drink from his coffee mug.

"Ah yeah, something like that…" Kate fought a cringe as she now realized she was about to embark upon a new stage of her relationship: creative truths. She loved her friend, truly, but if she had to pick one of least favorite Lanie qualities, it would have been her tendency to take their "girl talk" into TMI categories, particularly when it came to intimate relations here and there. A little sharing was fine—particularly if it was advice seeking with regards to an issue—but Lanie took it to an extreme.

For the duration of their friendship, Kate had never shared her intimate life in great detail with Lanie, but now she knew that in order to protect Castle's secret she had to do one of two things: continually avoid the subject to the point where Lanie was bound to become suspicious of her behavior or outright lie. Kate didn't like either of those scenarios, but she didn't feel she had another option.

After Lanie winked in their direction and then turned to walk back towards the dumpster that was their crime scene, Kate felt a large hand close around her elbow and she turned to face her partner. "It's okay," he said to her in a tone barely above a whisper. "You can tell her."

"Are you sure?"

He shrugged one shoulder. "The boys know; it's only fair."

"But-"

"It's okay, Kate; promise." He gave her a reassuring smile and she nodded.

Weeks earlier, very shortly after he returned from his book tour, Castle confessed to telling Ryan and Esposito the truth about what happened to him during his motorcycle accident. He explained that as much as he didn't like revealing the truth to people, he equally disliked people speculating about what conditions he might or might not have. Thanks to Kate, he knew the boys had figured out nearly eighty percent of what was wrong with him, so he felt it was only fair to give them the full story. When she asked how they reacted, he said, "Like typical guys." Apparently, they had expressed how sorry they were then immediately changed the subject and asked if he could get Knicks tickets so they could all go to a game.

Though he told their duo of partners, Kate assumed he wouldn't be revealing the truth to any others, though at the time she hadn't thought about how difficult it would be for her to keep that secret—at least not from everyone. Having someone to talk about the situation with would be welcome, though she would have never asked him for that. She was, however, glad to have the opportunity.

After squeezing his arm in a thank you, Kate approached Lanie and said, "Hey, did you, um, wanna grab drinks later? Have some girl talk?"

"You bet!"

"Great," Kate said with a half laugh. Then, noticing Castle was beside her once more she added, "Now tell us about our D.B."

* * *

"Oh my god, Kate." Lanie clutched her hand to her chest and shook her head. She shut her eyes briefly and then reached out her hand to place it on Kate's forearm. "I…I don't even know what to say. Poor Castle."

Kate gazed at her friend from across the high top table at which they stood. Lanie had chosen the bar and it wasn't as quiet and low-key as Kate would have liked, but perhaps that was for the best. Certainly with the level of activity there no one would be able to overhear their conversation and that was exactly what Kate wanted, for Castle's secret wasn't one to be broadcast openly.

Very shortly after their drinks arrived Kate began by telling her friend that she and Castle didn't—and couldn't—have an ordinary relationship because of his accident. She went over the basic points of what had happened as Lanie's expression grew progressively more horrified, until dropping the final bomb: that Castle was unable to have sex. Naturally, her friend began with medical questions that for the most part Kate couldn't answer because she had not seen anything beneath Castle's pants. The only thing she was able to confirm was that he was able to relieve himself without issue, because she had asked that herself.

Sighing while smoothing her fingers over the base of her wine goblet, Kate nodded. "I know. It's…incredibly hard for him, as you can imagine."

"But what about you? How are you handling this?"

Kate almost laughed. "I'm…handling it. It's…been an adjustment."

Lanie drew back her hand and shook her head appearing a bit dumbstruck. "I can't imagine—literally. No sex…it's just such an important part of a relationship!"

"But is it?" She countered, as it had been a subject she gave much thought over the prior few weeks. "I mean it is important, but this has shown how many other things are equally if not more important than sex. I think in the past I got clouded by physical things—who doesn't from time to time?—but without it I can appreciate other things." Like how wonderful it was just to be touched or kissed by him. How his words could both draw a laugh from her lips and a tear from her eye. And how amazing it felt to stare into his eyes and forget that anything else existed in the world.

"But Kate this isn't like saying you're taking a little break for some clarity. This is never."

"I know. And…had this been a few years ago I might have been more adverse to it. Or maybe even if Castle and I just met the night of the book party, but we had an established partnership."

Lanie took a sip of her drink and nodded. "I see. So because you had a baseline relationship already this is easier to accept but otherwise it wouldn't be?"

"I'm not sure that's a fair statement." Kate hummed to herself and turned her eyes down towards the table to gather her thoughts. She was silent for over thirty second before shaking her head and looking back at her friend, still struggling to explain how she felt. "It's so hard to put into words, but I think…I think the key is that it's him. He's…he makes me feel so different than I've ever felt before. It's impossible to say how I would have reacted if we hadn't known each other very well before I found out, not that it even matters at this point, but even from the beginning—right from the start of our partnership—I knew."

Practically from their first day working together she'd known something was different. She was intrigued by him, of course, both because of how he acted and because she'd read his books and considered herself a fan, but that did not stop her from trying her hardest to keep him at arms' length, just like she did with most men she encountered. For that first month she continually fought an internal battle: her brain wanted to keep him as far away from her as she could manage, but with each smile and laugh he disarmed her heart and she found herself drawing ever nearer until she gave up all together. He was the only man she had ever known to fill her heart so consistently with joy and that had to mean something—it had to.

"I could tell he was different in this way I can't even explain, which sounds crazy, but it's true. Being with him is different and that is so much more important than something fleeting and physical." Even if there was another man standing in front of her who could guarantee the most mind-blowing sex of her life, she knew there would never be another man who could make her heart as light and free as Richard Castle and that meant everything.

Lanie tilted her head as she gazed at her friend, impressed. "Damn girl. Look at you being all mature and adult in a relationship."

Kate laughed. "I know. I turned thirty and a switch flipped or something."

After taking another drink, Lanie simply shook her head. "Still…I can't imagine. I don't think I could do it."

Kate gave her a small smile. "I'm not going to lie and say every day is easy. It can get frustrating. It's been…not quite three months yet so I'm sure there are other things that'll come up but right now we're good; we're in a good place." Were there times when she felt like she was going crazy with want to touch his body or to feel his hands on hers? Absolutely. And, true, she was buying more batteries than usual, but they were still in the beginning stages of things, and she had no complaints about it.

"Well you've looked so happy recently I should have guessed it sooner. But man…poor Castle. I just can't imagine what this is like for him."

"I think that's the hardest part—trying not to let my heart break every time I look at him and think of what he's missing out on." It wasn't even just the sex—though clearly that was a big part of it—but the companionship; he'd effectively spent most of his adult life alone. "Apparently I'm the only woman who's stayed with him more than a month after they found out about his condition."

"Shit! But…I guess I can't say I'm shocked."

Balling her fists, Kate closed her eyes and shook her head, trying to rid herself of the anger that swirled in her chest at the thought of someone walking away from him because of something he didn't ask for and couldn't control. "It just makes me sad. And angry. He's so wonderful."

"But if they had stayed with him, he wouldn't be yours," Lanie said wisely.

Kate let out a breathy laugh, not having thought of it in that exact way. "Guess that's one way of looking at it."

Lanie reached out and squeezed Kate's hand. "I'm glad you're happy, Kate"

She squeezed back. "Me too."

* * *

 **A/N** : As always, thank you for reading. Don't forget to check out this weekend's castle fanfic pornado happening on Tumblr/twitter - you just might see one or two things from me ;)


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Whoa! I'm sorry!"

Kate looked up from her notes just in time to see her partner rushing down the hall towards her, dodging a uniform carrying an evidence bag on his way. She clasped her hands in front of her and waited patiently for him to jog to a stop in front of her, plant his hands at his hips and huff out, "I'm sorry!"

"So you said," she returned, amused. She'd called him over an hour earlier and left him a message about their latest victim—a dead bridesmaid in a hotel suite—but he hadn't returned the call nor did he show up at the scene. She wasn't worried, though. She knew he'd begun work on the next Nikki Heat and it wasn't uncommon for her to ignore his phone if he was in the writing zone. Now that he'd turned up she was both glad to see him and curious to hear why he'd been held up.

"I didn't get your message until about twenty minutes ago—sorry!"

"You don't have to come to scenes, you know."

He smiled at her. "But I want to. And I'm very glad to see you." He reached out and gave her elbow a gentle squeeze, which was as intimate a greeting as they dared have in such a public setting.

"I'm glad to see you too. Were you busy working on your book?"

He shook his head. "No, actually, I was with Mother. She got back late last night and insisted on seeing me right away this morning to catch up and…well, you know how her stories can get flowery."

She laughed a bit louder than she should have on the job, but his statement just seemed so absurd. "You mean like your novels, Castle?"

He gave her a pointed look. "In my books it's called description. When Mother goes on about the fellow actors in her show it's flowery."

"I see." Kate nodded, knowing first hand out Martha could embellish. "Well I'm glad she's finally back—for good, right?"

"Well until her next gig. Speaking of: she wants the three of us to have dinner. Tonight, possibly?"

"Oh, well—we'll have to see how this case goes."

"Right!" The writer's eyes lit up as he glanced around the hallway as though he was expecting to see a body bag. "Ran into Ryan and Espo on the way up and they filled me in. So who is the unlucky bride who had someone die the morning of her wedding?"

Kate stepped forward and waived for her partner to follow her. "I was actually just about to go speak with her again. Her name is K-"

"Kyra!"

"Rick!"

Kate lifted her head from the notes she was reading and her eyes widened at the scene she'd entered. As they walked into the hotel room suite, they'd nearly walked directly into the bride-to-be and her family. Even more shocking was that her partner seemed to know the name of the bride before she said it. The bride knew his name as well, which was not as shocking given his level of fame, but based on the familiarity, the female detective could only deduce that they were acquainted with one another.

"I…is this your wedding?"

The bride nodded. "Yeah…wow, Rick—I can't believe it's really you. It's been…"

"Awhile, yeah." He finished for her. "You look great."

"So do you!" she chimed in sweetly.

"Thank you. And you're…getting married."

"Trying to anyway," Kyra forced a laugh.

Castle cringed. "Right—sorry about that, but I am glad to hear you're getting married; I'm really happy for you."

She nodded. "I am for you too. Your books—I've been keeping up. They're great especially—oh!" Kyra looked in Kate's direction as though she just recalled the detective's existence. She smacked her palm against her forehead and proclaimed. "Oh, gosh! You're Nikki Heat, aren't you?"

"Ah, yeah, something like that. Listen, Ms. Blaine, I'm going to need to—oh. Excuse me," Kate said when she heard her cell phone ringing. Seeing it was Lanie, she turned her back to take the call, but made the conversation quick. Turning back around, she saw that once again her boyfriend was smiling at the bride and Kate felt a sharp pang filter through her gut. She was—no. No. she would not be jealous. Even if Castle had a history with this woman, given what she knew about him, she knew how that history ended: with Rick's broken heart. She had no reason to be jealous as she was the woman who chose to stay. If anything, she had a right to be annoyed with this woman, but she was going to be professional and treat her like every other suspect on a case.

"Um, Castle? Lanie has something for us."

"Right! Right of course!" he nodded to her then turned back to Kyra, extending his hand. "Don't worry, Kyra; we're going to do our best to solve this one as quickly as we can."

She shook her hand and nodded. "Glad you're on the case, Rick. Keep me updated, detective," she added before walking back into one of the suites bedrooms.

Kate led the way out of the suite and back towards the bank of elevators. Only once they were inside a descending car she lead her rather shocked looking boyfriend with, "So…?"

He glanced at her quickly. "What?"

She swept her hand grandly towards the floor they just exited. "Um…you know one of our suspects?"

His brow wrinkled. "Is Kyra really a suspect? I really don't think-"

"Castle!"

"What?"

"How do you know her? When did you meet? How long has it been since you contacted her last?" she fired off quickly.

He leaned away from her slightly, looking her up and down and asked quietly, "Are you asking as a detective or as my girlfriend?"

She rolled her eyes dramatically. "Really? Of course as a detective!"

"Sorry! Sorry!" he replied quickly. "Kyra and I dated briefly during college—it was two months, maybe a little longer. We…we definitely had a connection, but nevertheless it ended. I haven't seen her in nearly eighteen years."

She arched an eyebrow at him. "Eighteen years? You seemed awfully close for two people who haven't seen each other for eighteen years and only dated for two months."

"Okay—that might have been a slight representation: we had a class together fall of senior year. We sat beside each other and were friendly, flirty, but we didn't start dating until Christmas break. We hung out a lot together that semester and I had some good times with her, but I honestly haven't thought about her in…probably close to a decade. I swear."

She nodded, knowing he was telling the truth. "Just making sure your personal involvement with one of our suspects isn't-"

"No! No!" he stepped around in front of her, folding his hands together pleadingly. "Please don't bench me Beckett! I will remain impartial—I promise! Please! Please!" He reached out and grabbed her hand, bringing it to his lips and peppering the back of it with kisses.

"Okay, okay." She half laughed. "You can stay on the case, but just keep in mind that it is possible that Kyra is our killer."

Castle eyed her suspiciously. "Wasn't the victim strangled? We can check with Lanie, but I'd imagine Kyra would be a little small to accomplish that."

Kate pressed her lips tightly together as this was a fair point. Damn he did throw her off when he came out of the gates being particularly reasonable. "We'll check with Lanie—but just because she didn't do the strangling doesn't mean she wasn't involved."

He bobbed his head. "Fair enough. I guess. I just don't think she's the type—but I'll let you decide that in interrogation, if it's needed."

"Thank you." Kate nodded and confidently stepped out of the elevator when it made it to ground level, though she still wasn't sure how she felt working a case when Castle's ex-girlfriend was involved.

* * *

Late in the afternoon two days later, Kate sat at her desk focusing not on the arrest report she was meant to be completing but instead on her boyfriend. He stood in the conference room a few feet away explaining to his former girlfriend that her bridesmaid was killed by her future uncle all as part of a cover-up for embezzled money. The case had certainly been one of the more difficult ones she'd undertaken as of late, but not because of the evidence or lack thereof, but because of her boyfriend and his history with the bride; because she was trying to make sure he didn't get hurt.

Kate almost laughed when she thought about her initial concern that jealousy might be her biggest obstacle to face. Instead, it had been anger. After leaving the morgue during the first hours of the case they'd returned to the hotel only to have Kyra introduce Castle to her groom. From the way the man looked him over, Kate knew two things immediately: Kyra knew about Castle's accident and now her future husband did as well. The groom spoke to him as though he had a mental defect not a physical one and as her boyfriend was one of the most intuitive and observant men she knew, he naturally picked up on what was happening. To his credit, he put on a very brave face, but she saw right through it.

As the case progressed, Kate's attitude softened slightly. As it turned out, Kyra was entirely innocent in the event and had Kate not known anything else about her, she probably would have found her very kind and sweet. She could certainly tell why Castle would have remembered his time with her fondly. Her fiancé also did not seem to be a terrible man—though his family clearly wasn't the best. They were simply two people who couldn't understand the struggles Castle faced. Fortunately, she could, and intended on assuring him of that fact as soon as her remaining paperwork was wrapped up.

When Kate saw Castle stretch out his arms, offering Kyra a hug, she assumed this to be the signal they were saying goodbye, and quickly turned back to the report she was typing out. A minute later, she heard the squeak of the conference door open and the clicking of heels against the hard tile floor. The clicks stopped surprisingly near to her and she heard, "Thank you again, detective, for everything you did."

Kate straightened her spine and gazed over at Kyra with a polite smile. "I was just doing my job. Oh, and, congratulations—I heard your wedding ceremony was rescheduled for this evening."

The bride-to-be nodded. "Yes, in fact I wanted to extend an invitation to you as a show of our gratitude. Greg and I wouldn't be getting married if it wasn't for you."

She folded her fingers together and rested them at the edge of her desk as she said, "That's very kind of you, but I'm not sure it would be appropriate." She had received similar such invitations before—dinner, drinks, funerals, once even a Bar Mitzvah—but seeing as she was never supposed to be too personally involved in her cases, she almost always politely declined, typically only making exceptions for victim's funerals. A wedding, on the other hand, seemed to fall plainly out of bounds—particularly when it involved an ex of her current beau.

Instead of looking disappointed, Kyra merely appeared amused and tilted her head to the side. "Really? Because I'm pretty sure Rick's going to ask you to be his date as soon as I leave."

"Wha…I…" Kate stammered, perhaps giving herself away as she gazed around Kyra to the man still seated in the conference room. Looking back to the woman before her she let her jaw hang a bit dumbly as she wondered if Castle had revealed such desires or if she had simply deduced.

Evidently hearing her internal query, Kyra continued, "It doesn't take a detective's badge to see how protective you'd been of him when we've been in the same room together. You probably think I'm a terrible person. Maybe I am. Even thought I was young back then, I can't say I'd make a different decision now. Or maybe you're just a much better person. Either way, he seems happy and I'm glad. Hope to see you later, Kate." With that, she walked away, and Kate remained rather frozen in her seat.

Not thirty seconds later, Kate's silent reflection was interrupted by the chipper, "Hey!" of her boyfriend. She'd been so consumed with her own thoughts she hadn't seen or heard him leave the conference room, so his voice made her jump.

"H-Hi."

"Why do you look stunned?"

Kate's gaze drifted towards the elevator where Kyra had disappeared a moment earlier and then back to Castle. "I'm…processing."

"Oh." He looked a bit suspicious but then shrugged. "Well do you want to process while going home to change? Because Kyra just-"

"Yeah she invited me too," Kate informed him before gesturing towards the chair beside her desk. "But first we need to talk."

He sat as she asked, but appeared more than a little concerned. "Talk about what?"

"Kyra. She said that I must think she's a terrible person—implying that I know how things ended between you two." Given what Kate already knew about him, she had a pretty good guess of how things had ended between them, but wanted to hear him say it for confirmation.

His expression turning a bit sad, Castle leaned back in his chair and skimmed the fingers of his left hand over the bottom of his jaw. "Oh. Right. Well I'm sure you've probably already figured out why it ended."

"She wanted to have sex."

He bobbed his head. "Right. We were classmates as I mentioned before. She was actually the one that asked me out, because, well…I hadn't dated since my accident and I just—I had no idea how to even approach it. I bought myself a few weeks by lying to her—saying I had recently ended a relationship and wanted to take it slow; she agreed. Ultimately, I did tell her the truth about my accident; she was the first woman I told—other than my mother, of course."

"And she broke up with you," Kate concluded sadly.

He shook his head. "Not immediately. She clearly felt bad and it was the holidays so she said we could keep dating casually, but it was only a few more weeks before she said she couldn't be in a sexless relationship. To her credit, she was very kind about it—maybe the kindest of all of them. I could tell she felt really bad, but she didn't want to go without sex, and at twenty-two I couldn't really say that I blamed her."

Kate nodded as this was more or less the scenario she had imagined in his mind. As she thought about what he said, the phrase, "kindest of all of them," resonated in her mind, and for one horrific moment she imagined just how cruel a woman could have been to him; it made her feel ill. She hoped he'd faced more simply not positive experiences than truly awful ones, but given how terribly he reacted when she was discovering the truth, she didn't believe that was the case, unfortunate as it was.

"About how many times has that happened?"

"Six," he confessed.

Kate almost winced at how desperately her heart ached when she saw the shame cross his face. His chin dropped towards his chest and he suddenly appeared so small sitting beside her. God, how horrible.

Yes, not having sex was frustrating. It was a frustration she was vividly aware of in that moment, but it was not an insurmountable one; it was not great enough to make her not want to be with him. Being with Castle romantically was worth so much more than that. He was her best friend and there was nothing else in the world that could make her feel better after a horrible day than snuggling up to his chest and falling asleep in his arms. If nothing else told her that it was the way they'd spent the holidays.

Seeing as it fell so close to her mother's death, Kate had not been a particularly large Christmas fan over the prior decade. In fact, she preferred to forget that the holiday existed at all. Unfortunately for her, Christmas was her boyfriend's favorite holiday. Even though his mother wasn't going to be home for the season thanks to her traveling play, he still decked out the loft in so much red and green she thought she'd gone partially colorblind; it was dripping from every surface.

Though he promised to be low-key about Christmas around her, he failed miserably—not for lack of trying, but he simply could not contain his exuberance. He somehow managed to talk her into a day full of activities on December twenty-third, and by nightfall she was laughing at his bizarre and overzealous renditions of Christmas carols and honestly couldn't wait to see what he'd planned for them next. As it happened, it was something completely simple: watching _Miracle on 34_ _th_ _Street_ under a blanket on his couch. She'd curled up beside him and fallen to sleep knowing there was nowhere else she wanted to be.

Gazing over at her companion, Kate never felt more confident in her decision to be with him despite the fact that they could not be intimate. He was worth it; a million times over. Perhaps going to the wedding of one of her boyfriend's exes was not something she would have wanted to do ordinarily, but she had absolutely no problem proving to everyone in attendance what a caring and dedicated girlfriend she was, especially since it was an event he seemed eager to attend.

Quickly glancing around, Kate saw that there was no one else in the immediate surrounding area, so she quickly leaned over and pressed a kiss onto the apple of his cheek. He lifted his head and gave her a rather shocked gaze, but she just smiled at him. "Come pick me up in about an hour, okay? We'll grab a drink first."

"O-Okay!" he responded, slightly surprised at first, but grinning by the time he finished the words. "Thanks Beckett—it's going to be fun, I promise."

She shrugged and stood from her chair. "Well, if it's not, we can always go find some fun of our own, right?"

He nodded. "Absolutely."

* * *

 **A/N** : This will be the last T-rated chapter in the story. Starting with Ch 7, the story will be M rated.

As always, thank you for reading.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Please note the change of story rating to M**

* * *

 **Chapter 7**

Sitting at her desk, staring somewhat blankly at her computer screen, Kate still felt as though she was in a suspended state of disbelief. The prior forty-eight hours had involved such a whirlwind of emotions she wasn't sure if she was numb from it all or simply too overwhelmed to process any of it. Inside her chest was a searing amount of agony, anguish, rage and disappointment. It all felt strong enough to crush her ribcage and probably would have were it not for the man sitting patiently beside her; he was the only reason she'd made it through.

When Esposito identified their latest homicide victim as Jack Coonan, Kate had expected their case to progress just like any other; she had expected ordinary. What she had not expected was her life to be flipped upside down, old feelings to be dredged up, and the hope of finding the person responsible for her mother's death both renewed and destroyed in a matter of hours.

Finding out that her mother was killed by a hired hit was information that had rocked her to her very core. It sent her spiraling back to her roots where she ran, hid, and locked away her emotions with an iron padlock. She would have tumbled right back into the rabbit hole she nearly lost herself in were it not for Castle showing a rare moment of stubbornness that matched her own. She'd tried to run away, he hadn't let her, they'd yelled at each other, but he refused to leave her side. "I won't say anything, but I'm not leaving," he had said as he followed her into her apartment that evening. She'd stepped into her bedroom to call her father, still annoyed with him, but when she emerged tearful half an hour later, she found herself glad to sink into his embrace and have him cradle her close. She had no idea what the outcome of their case would end up being, but somehow with him beside her it felt easier to believe everything would be okay.

In the end, things hadn't worked out anywhere near what she anticipated. She'd missed one of Dick Coonan's slip ups until it was almost too late. Then, suddenly, she was facing down her worst nightmare: her partner being threatened with a slow and painful death. She wanted to find the man who had hired Coonan to kill her mother, but she needed to keep Castle safe; there was no question. The show-down ended with Coonan shot dead but Castle thankfully unharmed. That had been several hours earlier, but she still struggled to process.

Kate stood by her decision; Castle's life had far more value than information Coonan might not have provided anyway, but she had a feeling it would haunt her. She had to decide whether or not to dive head-first into her mother's case, whether or not to pull her partner along with her. He would follow if she asked, she was certain of that, but was it worth it? Would endangering both their lives again and again be worth it when she'd successfully taken the life of the man who had delivered her mother's fatal blow?

Turning her head, Kate's eyes searched the face of her partner, who had only left her side long enough for her to go into the women's locker room and wash the blood off her hands—and even then he'd asked to follow. He was, without question, the only person she would have wanted beside her in that moment. Later that night when they went home together, he would inevitably try to get her to talk about what had happened that day, and she felt certain she would respond, which truly was a testament to how far they'd come in not just the little over a year they'd been partners, but also over the duration of their four month relationship. The Kate Beckett of the past would have locked everything away and refused to acknowledge the existence of any inner turmoil to another living soul, but she wasn't that person, not anymore.

When his eyes met hers, Castle smiled and reached out his hand so his fingertips could gently stroke her forearm. "Do you need something? Maybe something to eat?"

She nodded. "Yeah I'm ready to get out of here, just finishing up this report. You should read Montgomery's post-incident; you come off like Steven Seagal."

He tilted his head to the side and pursed his lips. "Should I be flattered or insulted?"

"Both." Then, after turning back to her computer screen, she skimmed the last paragraph she had written, decided she was satisfied with it, and then clicked the submit button with her mouse. "Okay," she told her partner. "Let's go."

* * *

"So, I've been thinking."

Kate looked over at her boyfriend, who was standing in front of his kitchen sink, arms folded over his chest. She shut the refrigerator door and leaned against it, curious as to why he suddenly looked so grim. Since they'd arrived back at his place with takeout he'd clearly been trying to keep things light, presumably for her benefit, which she greatly appreciated. Now, she suspected, was the point at the evening when he began asking the dozens of questions that were surely zooming around his brain at that moment.

"Maybe…maybe shadowing you isn't a good idea anymore."

Kate blinked a few times surprised that's where their conversation was drifting to. "Why would you say that?"

The guilt in his expression deepened. "Well, if it wasn't for me then-"

"If it wasn't for you, I never would have found my mom's killer." She took two long steps forward until she stood immediately in front of him. Shoving her hands down into her back jean pockets she gave a little shrug. "I…I feel like I'm at a crossroads. I'd put her case behind me because I just couldn't anymore. Not only had I run out of leads but emotionally, physically, mentally—I had to get out before it destroyed me. Now, I have a new lead, but I'm not sure I should pursue it."

"You won't have to do it alone."

She smiled and reached out to squeeze one of his forearms. "I know that and I'd want you to be there. I'm so grateful for you, Castle—you have no idea. I just…I don't know." At that point in her mind both the pro and con list for reopening her mother's case seemed equally matched. The bullet points were swirling around in her mind so much she felt she decided and then changed her mind again every five minutes.

Castle reached out and placed a hand atop each of her shoulders, drawing her into his chest. She willingly fell against him and locked her arms around his waist. "You don't have to decide tonight. In fact, you probably shouldn't—not with emotions running this high. Take your time and think about it. You'll come to the right conclusion—I know you will."

She exhaled into his chest and remained there for ten more seconds, enjoying the comfort it brought her before sliding away and scraping her fingers down the sides of her face and across her jaw. "You're right; I know you're right it's just…something about my mother's case makes me feel like such a failure. It's just this gaping hole in my soul—not being able to find justice for her. And yeah we got Coonan, but he's not the real person responsible—that person is still out there and I want to find him so much. For her. So she…"

"She's already proud of you, Kate," he said, doing a surprisingly accurate job of reading her mind. "There's no way she's not. You're extraordinary. You are." He added more firmly when her expression turned skeptical.

"Look at what you see every day—the cases you face. I knew it before I started shadowing you and I know it even more now: not every case can be solved, but you do the unimaginable every day—one of the highest case closure rates in the city? Montgomery told me that one. Incredible. And your mom's case—now we know for certain that wasn't on you; it was on them. Someone went to great lengths to cover up their tracks. Someone very dangerous, I'd imagine. But whatever you decide—I'm with you."

His kind sentiments eased the stress on her heart ever so slightly and she brushed her lips over his in appreciation. "Thank you. I do appreciate what you're saying Castle, I just…I don't know if anything is going to make me feel better tonight." No, tonight in the wake of everything, she felt the only conclusion would be to go home, pour herself some whisky, and pace back and forth across her apartment as she debated which course of action to take. So long as she restrained herself from pulling out the taped-up box of evidence beneath her bed, she'd call that night successful.

"Is that a challenge?"

Too distracted by thoughts of the interior of Johanna Beckett's murder box, Kate didn't even notice the smirk across her partner's face. Instead, she replied a bit dumbly, "Um, no? I was just thinking maybe I should g-"

Kate thoughts were cut off by Castle sweeping across the distance between them, slipping his arm around her waist, and pulling her in for a sweet, but slightly daring kissed. When he pulled back, she gazed up at him a little dazed. He brushed the back of his left fingers over her cheek and asked, "Do you trust me?"

"Of course."

"Then come with me."

He grasped onto the fingers of her right hand and used them to tug her forward. Still not sure of where they were going, she followed him out of the kitchen, across the entryway, and into his bedroom. Only there did he drop her hand and walk over to turn on the lamp beside his bed. When trying to contemplate his actions, her first instinct was to surmise he might be about to give her a massage. He'd given her one as part of their Christmas gift exchange and it had done wonders for relaxing her knotted muscles.

She rolled her head side to side, anticipating his thumbs pressing into the tight spots near her spine when she felt his hand slide around her waist once more. She placed her hand atop his and felt him step up behind her. He used his other hand to pull the hair away from her neck so he could kiss the area at the crest of her shoulder. Then, he used his left hand to pop open the top button on her jeans.

"Wha—what are you doing?" she asked, slightly surprised by his action as he had never before attempted to undress her.

"Trust me." He breathed into her ear, sending a shiver down her spine, and suddenly Kate had a different idea of what was about to happen in her mind, though she could hardly believe it was true.

Castle continued to kiss his way down the top of her shoulder before returning his kisses to the side of her neck and throat. Meanwhile, his left hand had unbuttoned and unzipped her jeans. His index and middle fingers had slipped beneath the fabric and were now caressing her pubic bone over of her panties and—god, was this really happening?

But it didn't make sense! They didn't do this! Not that she was complaining of course, but they certainly never had done anything like this before!

Prior to that pint, the most sexual thing between them had been their heated make-out sessions. She had no complaints about the way their tongues swirled together and by sitting in his lap she'd even had him grabbing her ass once or twice but virtually nothing else had ever happened. She never pressed for more, not wanting to ever make him feel uncomfortable or guilty over something he couldn't partake in and only once had she crossed that line.

On New Year's Eve three weeks earlier they had become sufficiently drunk by making their way through Castle's liquor supply on that cold, snowy evening. Kate hadn't even really thought about how her lowered inhibitions were fueling their make-out session into its most heated one yet. She hadn't even been fully aware of how desperately she was grinding her pelvis against his thigh until she brought herself to sudden—and very unexpected—orgasm, starling them both with how she'd cried out and dug her fingers into his shoulders. She apologized instantly, but he recovered quickly, offered a smile and said it was fine. Despite his sentiments, she felt more than a little embarrassed about the incident and vowed to keep herself in check. Given that, she was glad he was the one initiating their next foray across the intimate barrier.

"Ah! Castle!" She gasped when his fingers brushed over her sensitive nub and she felt him chuckle and nip at her neck in response.

"Take off your pants." He requested gently before pulling his hands away from her body.

Though she was disappointed at the lack of contact, she turned to see he was pulling back the duvet cover on the bed presumably to give her a place to lie down. Not wanting to delay her first sexual encounter with someone else in quite some time—something she was _more_ than ready for—she hastily pushed her jeans over her hips and let them fall to the floor. Figuring it was only prudent she pulled off her shirt as well, leaving her only in undergarments.

Castle reached out his hand and pulled her towards him, encouraging her to lie down on the bed. When she'd done so, he stretched out beside her and brought their lips together while his left hand continued to explore her newly exposed flesh. It traveled up and down her side, across her belly, and down over her hips, sensations that were all wonderful, but not entirely what she was looking for at that precise moment.

Castle soon trailed his lips down her throat and to the valley of her breasts. She didn't realize he had unfastened her bra clasp until she felt the cool bedroom air skirting across her nipples; only then did it also occur to her that she had shut her eyes at some point during his ministrations. Opening them again, she was able to watch as his mouth descended to her right nipple. He brushed his lips over the tip for a moment, before parting them, taking it inside and—

"God, Rick," She moaned and arched her body up without even thinking. She could feel tingles spreading throughout her body at the feeling of his tongue gliding over her hardened peak. Shit—for a man who had insisted on a fairly asexual relationship he sure was good at this!

Just as Kate was beginning to wonder if she would climax from the attention to her breasts alone, she felt Castle's fingertips brushing across her inner thigh. A moan escaping her lips, she opened her legs a bit wider, giving him free access and hoping—praying—for his fingers to delve into an area just a little bit more sensitive.

After a few moments, Castle released her right nipple, trailed his tongue across her chest and instead turned his attention to the left. It was then he began to stroke his fingers across her centre though he remained atop her panties. His touch was feather-light and Kate rolled her hips, craving more pressure against her delicate flesh, but he refused to give in. Every now and then he'd push slightly harder and she could feel the familiar tightness building within her, but he always pulled away before she could crest any waves.

"Mm Castle." She moaned when he placed a sloppy wet kiss in between her breasts. He lifted his head, winked at her, and then lowered his gaze once more so he could kiss his way down her belly and finally—finally!—pull the emerald green hip-huggers off of her body.

"Kate." He sighed out, almost like a prayer when she opened her legs wide enough for him to settle in between. "You're gorgeous."

"I—ah!" She yelped out, her response lost when his mouth finally settled on her lower lips and she felt the flat of his tongue pressing against her sensitive bud. "Fuck—Castle!" She arched her spine pressing herself against his mouth, feeling that that coil wind tighter and tighter—until he, most disappointingly, pulled his mouth away and moved it instead to kiss her inner thigh.

Kate lifted her head, slightly perturbed. What the hell was he doing? Did he—did he not understand what she needed? What she wanted? Perhaps that was the case, as the last time he'd had proper sex was presumably two decades earlier. Maybe she needed to explain—help him along. Maybe she needed to—

Oh.

Oh shit.

He turned his head to look at her, quirked his eyebrow, and then went back to kissing her inner thigh as casually as ever and somehow she knew. He _did_ know what he was doing. Exactly what he was doing, as a matter of fact; he was teasing her. Somehow—and, dear, god, she had no idea how—but somehow he knew exactly how to bring her to the edge without pushing her over, which was driving her crazy—in the best of ways.

He lavished each side of her inner thighs with kisses, occasionally taking a detour to flick his tongue over what she could only assume was a significant amount of wetness pouring out of her channel, and then slowly—agonizingly, began kissing his way back up her belly until his lips settled over her left nipple once more. Then, she felt his fingers against her centre. He rubbed small circles across her lips before teasing her entrance with his index finger and finally sliding both index and middle finger inside of her.

Kate groaned loudly and her head rolled back, pressing against the pillows. A moment later, his lips pressed against her chin and she heard him husk, "Is this okay?"

"God yes." She purred out when she felt his fingers begin to thrust in and out. She opened her eyes, lifted her head, and surged forward, capturing his lips in a sloppy kiss. His fingers continued their ministrations as his tongue swept through her mouth, but only for a moment. With one quick nip at her bottom lip he moved to settle between her legs again. When he removed his fingers from inside her she felt disappointed, but only for the half second it took for him to rearrange and put his mouth back on her clit.

Kate grunted and cried out unintelligible sounds as he alternated sucking and fluttering his tongue over her sensitive bud until at precisely the right moment, he slipped his fingers inside her, curled them upwards, and rubbed until her body contracted around them and she cried out as the shockwaves filtered through her body.

Her breath coming in heavy spurts, Kate felt her whole body tremble as she came down from one of the most powerful orgasms she'd ever had. She brought her hands up to her face and rubbed her fingertips beneath her eyes, where a few tears had slipped out from pure pleasure. As she felt him slide away from her the only coherent thought inside her mind was: what the hell just happened?

Too dazed to move, the next thing Kate knew she felt her body being covered with a sheet. She opened her eyes just enough to see her boyfriend snuggling up beside her and draping his arm over her stomach. She smiled lazily at him and reached out a fingertip to graze across his jaw. He caught her finger with his hand, brought it to his lips, and kissed it.

"Was that enough of a distraction?" he asked.

She let out an airy chuckle. "Distraction? For a moment I think I forgot my own name."

"You're welcome."

"Seriously?!" She reluctantly sat up and propped herself up on her elbows. "Castle why didn't…I mean, what—how did—I can't even speak!" she blurted out.

He appeared to be thoroughly amused. "Are you always this confounded after an orgasm?"

"After a really good one." He laughed and then leaned in to kiss her. She grabbed onto his t-shirt and held him in the kiss for a few seconds before releasing him and humming out, "Mm but I…I thought we weren't doing this?"

"I can't do this, but you can."

Kate pressed her lips tightly together. That was technically true, but she certainly would not have asked him to give her pleasure while she was unable to reciprocate. "Are you sure?"

"I love making you happy, Kate, and watching you fall apart might be my new favorite thing. I know it's taken me a while to get to this place, and I'm sorry for that, but I'm ready now. I'm okay with this…and, really, if I wasn't I'd have to buy you a sex toy of the month subscription or something."

She laughed loudly at this unexpected comment. "I hope that's not really a thing."

He shrugged one shoulder. "It probably is."

Kate shook her head and shut her eyes, daring herself to imagine what such deliveries could possibly contain—not that she needed them. In addition to the massage, for Christmas Castle had presented her with a top-of-the-line vibrator, which she had been rather stunned to receive. He explained that it only seemed appropriate since he was unable to provide her with sexual pleasure. She assured him once again that she didn't care about that, but he still insisted she keep it, so it was added to her collection, though it quickly became one of her favorites. Still, it was more than enough—particularly if he was going to start pleasuring her himself. From what she'd seen so far it was going to be a hell of a lot more amazing than anything run on batteries.

Reaching out her hand to stroke his face, Kate said, "You don't have to be sorry for taking the time you needed to get here, Castle, but you really don't have to keep doing this—I mean: I don't expect you to."

"But I want to," he promised. Then, he leaned over and dusted his lips across her forehead. "Now stop worrying and go to sleep."

"Okay," she sighed and snuggled her body against his knowing that thanks to Castle sleep would come easy that night.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

"Well. This is an, um," Castle paused to hold up a leather whip with his right hand. He stroked his fingers down the tail then playfully shook it in her direction, " _interesting_ case for you and I to have."

Kate chuckled as she took in the interior of The Love Shackle, just one of the many _interesting_ locations she was forced to visit thanks to a murder investigation. It certainly was not the first sex shop she entered, nor would it be the last, but it seemed to be the most cramped and, thankfully, one of the cleanest. "Certainly brings up some points of discussion, that's for sure."

Kate stood on her toes to gaze towards the back of the store to see if someone was manning the register, but she didn't see anyone. Spinning around, she surveyed the store in search of someone official—someone who could hopefully provide information on the custom made handcuffs found on their latest victim, but did not see anyone in the immediate vicinity. Turning back to her boyfriend, she saw him perusing more leather accessories.

"If we were a normal couple we could probably have a lot of fun in here."

She frowned at his assessment as she completely disagreed. True, there was some things in the shop they could not use in their situation, but there were probably equally as many—if not more—things they could use. Besides, what did it matter? There was no rule stating the norms of intimacy in relationships. Whatever made them happy was what worked and she certainly had no complaints.

Walking over to him, she said quietly, "We are a normal couple and I assure you we could still have fun in here." She peered around the immediate area for something that would prove her point and she found the perfect object: a leather mask that covered the user's entire face with only small holes for breathing and a zipper that went across the mouth. She held it up with a cheeky grin. "Like this, for instance—I think you'd look good in it."

He tilted his head to the side and gave her a pointed look. "Very funny, Beckett."

She set the mask down and playfully smacked his chest with the back of her hand. "C'mon, let's just find someone who works here so they can hopefully tell us more about our vic."

* * *

Stepping out onto the bustling sidewalks, Kate pulled her coat a bit tighter around her neck to combat the chilly March winds and began walking down the street towards where her cruiser was parked. Her mind was so busy reviewing their newly acquired case information that she hardly noticed how quiet her partner was being until they were seated in the car. Strange. She would have thought such a unique and interesting case would have him chattering constantly, but instead he looked a bit pale as though they had just interviewed a ghost not a woman in a leather bustier.

Seeing as his comments generally provided both entertainment and a jumping off point for more plausible theories, she prompted him with, "So Jessica was Mistress Venom…interesting twist and yet I'm hearing nothing from the peanut gallery." As she slowed their vehicle to a stop at a light she glanced over to see that his face barely registered her comment. "Castle? You okay over there?"

"Sorry, ah what? I'm—ah, I'm fine. Jessica was a dominatrix—twist. Yep."

Considering his tone was the exact opposite of convincing, she began to grow genuinely concerned. "What's going on with you? Rick?" She prompted after thirty seconds of silence. "Hey, talk to me. Did…did something upset you?"

"I'm not upset."

"Tell that to your face."

He huffed and rounded his shoulders. "I'm not upset, really. What people do behind closed doors is absolutely none of my business. I guess I…I was just a bit anxious, because I wasn't sure how…how far…"

"Shit. Castle." Kate cursed, mostly at herself for being so blind. She'd become so caught up in the moment, figuring her partner was the absolute best and most convincing way to slip inside _House of Pain_ without arising suspicion about their true purpose that she'd failed to even acknowledge how hesitant he'd seemed all along. She'd brushed it off as him just playing around, but she'd been so foolish! Of course he would feel uncomfortable about going into an environment that sexual! She was an idiot!

"I'm so sorry—I didn't…I wasn't thinking. You know I would never have let them touch you, right?" She glanced over to see him nod slightly, but as he was clearly still upset, her stomach clenched with guilt. "Why didn't you tell me if you were this uncomfortable?"

"I wanted to help you solve the case," he confessed softly.

"But Espo or Ryan could have easily played my boyfriend."

"But I like playing along!" He insisted. "I love being undercover with you—it's great. But this…I wasn't—it just…" He shut his eyes and rubbed his hands across his face, apparently trying to collect his thoughts. "I know you would have never let them strip me down naked or anything, but I guess…I guess being in there just made me feel a little uncomfortable because it's a piece of life I won't ever experience and that can be very frustrating at times."

Kate arched an eyebrow in his direction. "You want a strange woman to paddle you?" Strictly speaking, if that was something he desired his condition would not prevent it. It might discourage him from taking off his clothing, but as far as she was aware nothing was wrong with his buttocks region.

"Wha—No! No I definitely do not want that. I just mean: virtually everything about that place relates to sex which means it's something I can't participate in. Since I was only twenty when I had my accident I was still having sex like…well, a twenty year old."

"Quantity over quality?" she guessed.

A mirthless laugh escaped his lips. "Something like that."

They drove the next block in silence while Kate considered the intimate portion of their relationship. For the prior five weeks Castle had regularly been giving her pleasure and she had absolutely zero complaints about it. Though she initially struggled with guilt for this one-sided piece of their relationships, his constant reassurance and enthusiasm helped her accept that it was okay, but given this new conversation, Kate wondered if there wasn't a fantasy or two of his she could provide.

"You know, Rick, if there's something you want, we can definitely talk about it."

He smiled over at her. "Well I definitely wouldn't say no to seeing you in a pair of those thigh-high leather boots, but I think for now I'm okay."

She nodded. "Well if you ever change your mind… and, please, if I ever ask you to do something you're uncomfortable with on a case again, you have to let me know."

He bobbed his head. "Will do. Now let's see if we can find Jessica's killer, okay?"

* * *

"Thanks again for dinner, it was nice."

Kate smiled in acknowledgement of her boyfriend's appreciation as she put the rest of their leftovers into the fridge. "Well, you know every now and then I have to prove to you that I can cook."

He looped his arms around her waist and pulled her body in close to his. "I know you can cook, Beckett; takeout is just your preferred method of eating."

"Actually, no; it's second to anything you make for me."

He 'aww-ed' in appreciation of her comment, kissed her, and then began walking towards the adjoining siting area in her apartment. "So…should we see if there's anything worthwhile on TV or…?"

"Actually." She sucked in a deep breath, her heart fluttering nervously in anticipation. "I thought maybe we'd try something a little different tonight."

"Oh?"

She smiled at the intrigued look he gave her and held out her hand. "Come with me."

Kate took in a slow deep breath as she led the way back to her bedroom, glad she could take a moment to let the nerves consume her while he couldn't see her face. She wasn't concerned for herself, but for his reaction to her suggestion; that was the one she couldn't predict.

For the prior few days, ever since concluding their latest case by discovering researcher-turned-dominatrix Jessica had been murdered by her roommate, Kate had thought about the conversation she and Castle had after leaving Lady Irena's House of Pain. While she had no complaints about the way he pleasured her, she thought maybe it was time for them to expand their horizons a bit. She certainly would have broached the subject in a relationship with more traditional forms of intimacy, though probably not this soon, but, as had been previously established, their relationship was unique in many ways.

Once inside the bedroom, she dropped castle's hand and turned to face him, gesturing towards the blue plastic storage container sitting atop her bed. "I wanted to show you my box."

Castle looked at the box, then at her, then back to the box, and back at her. "Well, it's too small to have a body in it."

"Castle!" she half-laughed, half-scolded. "No! It's my box of toys."

"What? Like Legos?"

"Oh, Castle…" Kate covered her face with her left hand and shook her head. Somedays, she really didn't know what to do with him. "Just open it."

"Honestly, Beckett if you wanted to play a game, you could just say so. Scrabble is ac—Holy shit!" He proclaimed when he finally took the lid off the box to reveal her decently sized collection of sex toys and videos.

He remained frozen for over thirty seconds, just staring down with his eyes wide and mouth open. The longer it went on she grew concerned that he wasn't actually breathing so she asked, "Are you okay?"

"A bit stunned, actually." He glanced over to her then back at the box. "This is, ah, a bit more extensive than I would have. Shit—is this my fault?! Have you accumulated all this since-"

"Relax, Castle." She touched his arm gently to assuage his sudden guilt. "I've accumulated that over many years. It's nothing too crazy I don't think—you won't find any leather masks or whips in there, but some of it is rather fun and I thought maybe the case we just finished would be a nice precursor to the box."

She watched as he nodded slowly then turned his eyes back to the box. He still held the lid in his hands, gripping it a bit tighter than necessary judging by the white skin on his knuckles. As he appeared to be gazing into a box containing dynamite instead of a variety of phallic objects, she continued with, "If this makes you at all uncomfortable-"

"It doesn't," he assured her quickly. "Not with you."

"Good." She smiled and reached out to release the box lid from his grasp. She placed it on the floor beside the bed and then sat down on the other side of the box, folding her hands in her lap. "So if you want to try something different tonight we can."

"Something from the box?"

"Right."

"Anything I want?"

"Yep."

A grin slowly spread across his face and he wiggled his fingers while turning back to the box. Kate chuckled, glad to see Castle's typical "excited kid on Christmas morning" expression had returned. Though that expression could quickly morph him in to "annoying kid who won't stop playing with the sound effects on his new toy" she didn't think that would be the case this time. She truly wanted them to have fun together and anything in the box was fair game.

"Ooh well these would be an interesting choice," he said, pulling out a pair of fur-covered handcuffs. "Have you ever used your actual police cuffs?"

"No. Using them to arrest murderers takes away their fun factor."

"Fair point." He nodded before turning back to the box. He continued to rummage, at one point pulling out the toy he gave her, winking and saying, "Hope you're making good use of this." During his five minute long search he laid a variety of options out on her bedspread and considered each of them carefully, even turning a few on and holding them against his hand, but ultimately he made what she thought was a rather surprising choice: a flesh-colored, realistic looking phallus that didn't vibrate. It was an older toys and certainly one of the most basic, but still remained a favorite as it was just the right size.

After placing the unselected toys back, he placed the box on the floor atop its lid, and then turned to her with his chosen item in hand. Holding it up he said, "Something I can't give you."

Immediately, Kate felt sick. "No, Castle that's not why I-"

"I know it isn't, but that doesn't make it less true."

Raking her hands back through her hair, Kate immediately cursed her decision to bring out the box. She had only thought that using a vibrator was more fun with a partner, or perhaps even the cuffs would be an interesting addition. She had not once considered the blow to Castle's ego when presented with a box that represented the piece of anatomy he no longer possessed. She was an idiot!

"God, Rick, I'm so sorry—I never thought. Let's just—just forget it."

She reached out for the toy but he pulled it back out of her reach. "No. It's okay. Please—let me do this for you." She remained hesitant until he reached out and stroked her cheek saying, "It's fine; I promise."

"Okay."

She let him pull her in and kiss her, though she still remained hesitant for several seconds until the heat of his mouth against hers pushed away the last shreds of uncertainty. He guided her to the side of the bed and didn't separate their lips even when he began undressing her. Kate shut her eyes and sank into him, reveling in the familiar graze of his hands over her body.

Castle took his time, removing one item of clothing at a time until she was finally completely naked and sprawled out across the mattress. While he kissed her breasts his fingertips teased her lower lips and she hummed out with pleasure, skimming her fingers through his hair arching her back to ensure the most physical contact with him. Unlike their previous times together, he didn't settle his body between her legs, but instead got off the bed and helped her turn so that she lay horizontally with her legs hanging almost completely off the bed. He stood between them and gazed down at her in a way that sent sparks down her spine. God, she wanted him—so much so that she could hardly believe she made it the first three and a half months of their relationship without this. Thank god she didn't have to go without any longer.

Castle arched his body down over hers, bringing their lips together. At the same time, Kate felt him press the toy between her legs, stroking it delicately up and down so that she barely felt it, but it was enough to drive her crazy. She groaned and grabbed him by the shirt collar, holding his mouth fast against hers. When he pushed the tip of the toy into her entrance she let out a gasp and her head rolled back. Fuck; this had been a good idea after all.

He teased her with tiny thrusts of the toy for a few moments and she whimpered out his name. She felt him press a wet kiss to her pulse point before husking in her ear, "Was this what you wanted Kate?" just as he slid the full length of the toy inside her.

Kate let out an involuntary noise somewhere between a gasp and a squeak. She opened her legs wider for him and pushed her hips down against his hand, feeling his knuckle against her sensitive nub and—Jesus. Yes this was _exactly_ what she wanted.

Castle nipped at her earlobe but she was in a state too euphoric to form words, so she merely rolled her hips hoping to encourage him to move the toy. Fortunately, it worked and he was soon stroking it in and out of her channel. Kate opened her eyes briefly, seeing his body arched above hers and for a moment she forgot that the object inside her was made of silicone. It felt so real—so damn real—just like he was the one thrusting in and out of her. She felt as though she was getting a glimpse of him and what he could have done before his accident. It wasn't his fault, of course, but they would have been fantastic together; she was sure of it.

"Mm Castle." She groaned and brought her hands up to grip his shoulders as he began thrusting the toy with more vigor. She groaned again and rolled her head back as she felt the coil in her low belly begin to tighten. God, she missed this—the feeling of a man driving himself into her. Having Castle as her boyfriend was still worth it—a million times over—but this would certainly be a wonderful addition to their intimate activities; it was almost the best of both words.

Feeling closer and closer to the edge, Kate whimpered and lifted her head enough to draw Castle in for a sloppy kiss. As their mouths crushed together, she felt his thumb press steadily against her clit, which sent her tumbling over the edge and had her whimpering against his lips. He continued to stroke her for a few more seconds before withdrawing the toy and sliding his body away from her. Kate refused to move, laying practically spread eagle on her bed, but far too sated to care.

 _Damn_. That toy box really had been a good idea.

A minute later she felt the mattress depress as her boyfriend rejoined her in bed. He used his arms around her waist to haul her back up into a proper position on the mattress. She helped minimally, still feeling like her lower limbs were made of jelly, but finally opened her eyes to give her partner a lazy smile. He brushed his fingers over her cheek and asked, "Was that okay?"

"Better than," she replied, snuggling up to his chest without hesitation.

He looped his arms around her and kissed her head before hugging her close. "You know my favorite surprising thing about you, Kate?"

"Hmm."

"That you're a cuddler. It's adorable. I wouldn't have guessed."

She let out a soft laugh. She certainly was not a stranger to post-coital cuddling, but she enjoyed it the most with the man presently beside her. "Well I'm glad I can still surprise you."

He hugged her a little tighter. "You surprise, astound, and amaze me almost every day, Kate Beckett, and I hope that never changes."

* * *

 **A/N** : Thank you so much for all you reviews; i really appreciate them!


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Sitting at the kitchen table in Castle's apartment Kate rested her elbow on the table and her head against her fist as she skimmed through all the available apartment listings in the two newspapers she had purchased. She let out a half-sigh, half-groan as she flipped to another page. Simply put: the choices were abysmal. This was particularly depressing to her since she had no choice but to choose one of them thanks to her apartment being destroyed by a homicidal lunatic.

Manhattan real estate had always involved compromising what one wanted versus what one could afford—and that was when plenty of time was taken to search out the real gems. Now, she had a timeline crunch and didn't want to have to settle for something too small or too far away just because she was temporarily homeless. Castle was far from asking her to leave and even if he was she knew her father would take her in for as long as she needed, but that wasn't what she wanted. She'd had her own place for the prior five years and had grown accustomed to the space and tranquility. She just needed to find her own oasis—preferably in Lower Manhattan and not with an outrageous monthly price.

Hearing the door open and close, Kate lifted her head and smiled at her sweaty companion shuffled his way inside with a breathy, "Hey." He kicked off his sneakers by the door and made his way to the kitchen, brushing his lips over the crown of her head as he walked to the fridge to grab a bottle of water.

"Good run?" she asked him. Ever since the early days of their partnership she had really admired his dedication to working out—he was almost more dedicated than she was! In more recent months she discovered that his aggressive workouts were a mechanism to vent his physical frustrations since sex wasn't an option. This knowledge made her a little sad, but she commended him for choosing a healthy outlet instead of one of the many various unhealthy options.

"Eh." He shrugged before gulping down half the bottle. "I think my forties are really starting to settle into my muscles, my feet; I'm getting old."

She rolled her eyes. "You've been forty for two weeks."

He downed the rest of the bottle and winked at her. "Old age comes on hard and fast, Beckett."

"I'm sure."

Stepping closer to her, he peered down on the table and asked, "How's the apartment hunt coming?"

Kate made a sound of disgust and said, "Don't even ask."

"Okay. I'm gonna grab a shower then I'll help you weed through the choices, okay?" Without really waiting for her response he tossed his bottle into the under-counter recycle bin and made his way out of the kitchen heading towards his bedroom. Kate turned her head to watch him go, admiring the view from behind as she often did; it always brought a smile to her face.

They had been living together full time for two weeks and a day and it was going great—unexpectedly great, actually. She initially only planned to stay one night at Montgomery's insistence (which was an interesting if not amusing way to find out he'd known about their romantic status for months and simply chose to ignore it for professional reasons), but then their case had ended, her place still looked like charcoal, and Castle had insisted she didn't need to leave so she didn't. She was nervous at first about how they would coexist, but it had actually been wonderful. She loved coming home with him each night, spending their evenings together, and then going to sleep in the same bed. It was…comforting, and after everything that happened during their last case she didn't want to take any of it for granted.

Thanks to a madman planting a bomb in her apartment, Kate had nearly died two weeks earlier—and would have were it not for her partner. He'd figured out a piece of the puzzle that nearly everyone missed and called her frantic, giving her just enough time to dive into her bathtub and avoid the brunt of the blast. Moments later, he'd burst into her burning apartment and rescued her from the rubble; she'd never seen him as crazed as he had been when calling out her name and pleading for her to be alive. Fortunately, she'd only suffered scrapes and bruises, but without him she wouldn't have been nearly as lucky.

Later, after the fire in her place had been contained, the two of them went to survey the area, both to determine the damage done to her possessions, which unfortunately had been extensive, and to continue their investigation and help ID the attacker. As he stood in front of her charred sofa, Castle appeared almost tearful as he looked at her and said, "I can't believe I almost lost you." Then, he swept forward and pulled her into a bone-crushing hug, completely ignoring the fact that FBI techs were combing over the scene, but his sentiments were so sweet she couldn't be mad at him.

After Montgomery had sent her home and they were curled up in bed that night, Castle repeated his earlier sentiments and added that the thought of losing her was terrifying and she needed to keep herself safe, even if that meant letting the FBI and Agent Shaw take the lead on the case. He'd then kissed her bruised shoulder and the cuts on the back of her hands, before settling down against his pillow. Instead of giving into slumber, Kate remained awake, watching him sleep and somehow knowing the man beside her was the one she would spend her life with—her whole life.

The notion was so crazy that she almost shook it off as simply a manifestation of her highly emotional day, but deep down she knew that wasn't the case. She had never had such thoughts before, but she had also never been in a relationship like the one she had with him. She knew if asked he would go to the ends of the Earth for her, as would she for him. He was her partner and her best friend. Their time together as a couple had only drawn them close despite many things that could have easily pushed them apart.

The feelings she discovered that night stayed with her and though she was certainly not ready to get married or even engaged, she also didn't want to change her mind about how she felt. They were good together, good for each other, and that wasn't going to change.

Turning back to her apartment listings, Kate once again felt discouragement washing over her. She was frustrated and more than a little bored of seeing phrases like, "nice apartment with lots of character!" which everyone knew was code for cracked floorboards and roaches. Tossing down her pen, Kate knew she needed a break, but wasn't sure what to do until an interesting idea hit her. Castle was taking a shower. She hadn't showered yet that day as it was her day off and joining him seemed like the perfect cure for both boredom and frustration.

Hopping out her seat, Kate hurried across the hardwood floor of the apartment letting out a happy chortle on the way. Honestly, it was shocking she hadn't thought of this idea before—it really was brilliant! She and Rick had been together six months and they had not yet bathed together. Considering their level of comfort with each other, that seemed downright criminal and she didn't want to wait another second to remedy it.

Pausing outside the bathroom door, Kate turned her head so her ear almost touched the door frame and strained her hearing. She didn't hear any water running and briefly considered waiting until he was all the way in the shower to surprise him, but she didn't wait to wait another second. Without another moment's thought she reached out for the handle, twisted, and then slipped in the bathroom as quickly as she could. She found Castle standing at the sink examining his hairline in the mirror—searching for greys she imagined as they'd had that discussion around his birthday. When he caught sight of her, he startled and took a half step back.

"Hey—what are you doing?"

She sauntered towards him, using her hands at her waist to push her sweatpants down over her hips so that they pooled at her feet. His eyes went wide when she stepped out of them and smiled. "I thought maybe we could shower together."

"Why?"

She shrugged and used her hands to pull her sweater up and over her head, leaving her only in a tank top and panties. "Because it's fun. And since we're temporarily living together I thought why not? C'mon Castle—don't you want me to help you wash your back?" Though her tone was clearly light and teasing, Castle looked as though he'd just received word he would need every tooth in his mouth pulled out with rusty pliers. She couldn't help but laugh at how atypically serious he was being. "My god it's a shower not a funeral—lighten up!"

Dipping his gaze to the floor, he said softly, "Kate can you please just leave?"

Her brow wrinkling, she took another step towards him. "What's wrong?"

"I don't want to shower with you."

"Why not?"

"Because." He folded his hands together and held them tightly in front of his hips as he half rotated his body away from her. Only when she observed this strange posture did it hit her: he still didn't want her to see what remained of him after his accident.

In the six months they'd been together romantically, she had yet to see him in anything less than his undershirt and boxers. A few times she woke up with her hand sandwiched between his shirt and his belly and she'd also on occasion snuck her hand up the back of his shirt during their more intimate activities. He'd never said anything or stopped her from doing this, but he also never removed his shirt in her presence. Similarly, she'd seen the remnants of scars above his knee when he was sitting in his boxer shorts, but she never mentioned them knowing how sensitive he was about them.

Given how much they'd been through together and how connected they were on an emotional level, Kate found it equally silly and frustrating that Castle would not allow her to see him in a further state of undress. Yes, he certainly had faced cruelty in the past so she understood him being hesitant, but surely he had to know she would not judge or ridicule him. She wasn't the type to do that—not even to a perfect stranger.

"Castle." She began with a soft voice as though she were approaching a wounded animal. "It's okay; I don't care about your scars."

Childishly looking away from her, he said, "You will once you see them."

"I won't. Please let me-"

"No!" He yelped and jumped when her hand came in contact with his shoulder

"Okay, okay." She backed off with her hands raised at her sides, palms facing him in a non-aggressive way. Seeing the practically feral look in his eyes she was reminded of the night she first found out about his condition and she hated that. They'd come so far since then; she didn't want to go back to that place.

After a moment, his half-crazed expression was replaced with one of remorse. He shook his head and apologized to her. "I'm sorry I just…I don't want to lose you."

"You won't."

He stared her down as serious as she'd ever seen him. "I will if you see."

She visibly winced at his words, more than a little hurt. She had opened up to him more than she had to anyone before in her entire life. She let him see the worst parts of her: bruised, broken, and deeply scarred, but they hadn't mattered to him. He still cared for her—or so she thought. If he cared for her as much as she thought he did—if he cared for her the same way she cared for him—why wouldn't he open up the same way? "You have that little faith in me?"

His eyes flared wide and he promised, "No; I have faith, but you…you just don't know how bad it is. How…how…"

She stepped up close to him and reached out her hand to cup the underside of his jaw. She brushed her thumb over his cheek and promised, "Nothing is bad enough for you to lose me."

He closed his eyes and shook his head. A single tear fell from the corner of his left and she caught it with her thumb only to feel him shudder a moment later. "You just don't know how bad it is," he rasped out. "No one who's seen stayed."

Kate sucked in an audible breath as her mind traveled back several months to a conversation they'd had in the wake of meeting one of his exes. "Six women," she echoed the number he'd told her then.

"Five; only five saw," he corrected.

She drew her hand back and rested it against the edge of the bathroom counter, bracing herself to hear about what she presumed to be the hardest moments of his life. "And? What happened?"

He cleared his throat, sniffed loudly, and then folded his arms over his chest, leaning his back against the closest wall. "Kyra started crying. The next woman vomited. Two more ran out of the room as fast as they could and…and Gina just said how sorry she was before calmly walking away."

Kate flinched on the last point. She hadn't previously known that Castle had been intimate with his publisher. Well, almost intimate. Though, that did actually help explain some of the interactions between them that she had witnessed. She shut her eyes and quickly pushed that fact from her mind as it was not relevant to their current discussion.

As expected, what Castle had been through was horrific and she would not have wished it on her worst enemy, but all those experiences were in the past. Upsetting as they were, she needed to help him move past them. "I am sorry that happened to you, Rick—truly. But I'm not them."

She heard him take in a shuttered breath and watched his lips tremble as he pressed them together. He gazed at her for thirty seconds before a tear fell from his right eye. Brushing it away, he whispered. "I don't want to lose you."

"You won't," she whispered back, feeling tears stinging her own eyes. Whatever had happened to him, whatever horrors were beneath his clothing didn't matter. They hadn't mattered the day she found out and they especially didn't matter then, half a year into the best and most healthy relationship she'd ever had. Further to the point, as a homicide detective who had seen mutilated bodies and other untold horrors she fully believed nothing could be worse than what she imagined in her own mind. Of course she would have never said that to him. She knew at that point the only way he would believe her was for her to prove beyond any doubt what she said was the truth.

Reaching out her hands, Kate grasped the bottom hem of his orange athletic t-shirt and began pulling it up his body, not breaking eye contact with him until the last second when the fabric obstructed his head. She tossed the shirt away and for the first time took in his toned upper body. Even though he claimed to be cutting back his workouts in his "old age" the definition in his chest, biceps, and shoulders was obvious—not to mention very attractive.

Kate placed her hands gently on Castle's jaw, cradling his face as she leaned in for a quick kiss, then grazed her fingers down his neck, over his collarbone and across his chest before landing them on either side of his waist. Looking down towards his belly button, she saw the same scars that Ryan must have the time he helped Castle with his hidden wire. Beginning around his left hip bone and extending downwards and towards the center of his torso were the crinkled scars showing the places where flames had bitten into his flesh. She moved her hand in order to paint her thumbs over the marks, which didn't feel particularly different than his regular skin, but they were clearly minor wounds at best. She knew the worst marks were yet to be seen.

Lifting her gaze again, she met eyes with him and slid her hands down lower to the top edge of his boxer-briefs. When her fingers curled around the waistband, he turned his head away from her, visibly wincing and her stomach clenched. God, she hate that he felt this way about his own body. It was only flesh and bone; compared to what was in his heart and soul it didn't matter at all.

Carefully, Kate peeled the snug undergarments off his still-sweaty flesh, only looking down when she had to tilt her body downwards in order to push them all the way off. Though she tried to fight it, an audible gasp did escape her lips at the sight of him. She didn't think it was worse than what she imagined, but it certainly was shocking.

The marks on his hip were made insignificant by the gnarled strips of scars and flesh beneath his final item of clothing. From what she saw, it was clear the area in his upper- and mid- left thigh had taken the brunt of the damage, with all other marks spreading out from that central location. God—oh god—she could hardly imagine living through such an accident; the pain must have been unimaginable.

For the most part, his left thigh resembled nearly every photo of third degree burn reconstruction she had ever seen: smooth in some places, dramatically uneven in others. He had virtually no body hair remaining from his left knee sweeping up and across his pubic bone. Upon further examination, she even saw random spots missing from his right thigh where the flames must have leapt over, though the damage was minimal.

Compared to how bad his thigh looked, Kate did not believe Castle's genitals looked very shocking. They were damaged, yes, but actually more intact than she had anticipated given his attitude. From what she could best tell his left testicle was completely missing and the skin around his right was damaged, though not severely. In addition, his penis had obviously been reconstructed. A vertical groove and uneven skin could be seen on its left side and it was small, perhaps only the length of her thumb. In addition, the tip wasn't tapered, but strangely squared off, which led her to conclude that part of its original length was removed as a result of the damage from the fire.

Overall, she could understand why someone who hadn't been warned would have been very shocked by his appearance. And, true, given what she dealt with at work on a weekly basis she did have a stronger constitution than most, but she thought that vomiting at the sight of him still seemed extreme. It wasn't that bad and most importantly it was far beyond the scope of his control.

Standing up straight once more, Kate skimmed her hand back up Castle's arm and onto his shoulder. She felt his body shiver beneath hers and realized that his hands were trembling violently. Stepping closer to him, she cupped his face once again and sighed out, "It's okay, Rick; I'm not going anywhere."

When he finally met her gaze it was clear he either couldn't or was too afraid to believe her, so she merely gave him a reassuring smile and then walked over to the shower to turn on the water. As it warmed up, she shed her tank top and panties then reached out her hand to grab his and guide him beneath the spray. She reached up her hands to skim through his hair as the water soaked through it and noticed he still gazed at her with a peculiar look so she said, "Really, Rick—it's okay."

"I thought we promised to be honest with each other."

She shrugged and reached out for a nearby washcloth and bar of soap. "I am being honest; it's not as bad as I thought."

"Yeah right."

She gazed at him seriously. "It's not. Your thigh is—I won't lie about that. It looks…Does it hurt?"

"Not anymore."

She hummed and placed the bar of soap back on the shower shelf before stepping behind him and lathering up his back using the washcloth, just as she'd promised. He said nothing, but she could feel how tense his shoulder muscles were beneath his hands, so she merely continued to wash him, hoping that with time he would see just how fine she was with his appearance.

With his back washed, Kate stepped around in front of him again and began soaping up his neck and chest. She finally saw him shut his eyes and relax his facial muscles, which satisfied her, so she continued to move the washcloth down his belly until the bottom edge of it drooped down over his genitals and he practically jumped through the glass shower wall.

"Don't!"

"Castle," she said calmly, not rising her voice. "It's fine—unless…does it hurt you?"

"No," he rasped out, shutting his eyes. "You just shouldn't touch it."

"Why?"

He opened his eyes again, challenging. "Why would you want to?"

"Because it doesn't bother me. Because I'm your girlfriend. Because it's part of you." Kate turned to hang the washcloth back up on the hook from which she retrieved it. When she faced her boyfriend again, she locked eyes with him and skimmed her hands down his belly, moving one hand to his right hip and letting the other touch his penis gently. He sucked in a rattled breath and shut his eyes. "If it hurts, tell me to stop."

"It doesn't hurt it just…" He let his voice drift off and he shook his head.

She stroked her thumb and index finger up and down the shaft twice before resting her fingers near the base and asking, "Does it get hard?"

"Not—not evenly. It's…odd."

"Because of the reconstruction?"

"Yes."

"But can you cum?"

His eyes popped open and he gazed at her strangely so she asked, "What? Is this making you uncomfortable?" She had been trying to approach her questioning in as clinical and informational way as she could, not wanting him to feel too uneasy, but maybe doing so had done exactly that.

"Not exactly I just…I never talked about this with anyone before."

"So can you? Have you?"

He nodded tersely. "It's not very easy and it's not the same."

Feeling as though he needed a break from questioning just in case he was beginning to feel as though he was in an interrogation room and not a shower, Kate reached for the nearby shampoo bottle and squeezed a dollop into her hand. As she soaped her partner's scalp, she reviewed the facts of the situation before her.

Castle had originally told her that he could not have sex, which she had translated in her mind to mean that he was physically unable to do so, but she now did not believe that to be the case. He had a penis that could become erect and he could orgasm. In her mind, that combination meant he _could_ have sex. True, there could be some issues with penetration, or maybe there would be special circumstances because of his scarring, but she fully believed this was a bridge they could successfully cross together.

"Castle?"

"Hmm?" he grunted, having shut his eyes and relaxed as she massaged his head.

"Do…do you think maybe we could try to have sex?"

His eyes popped open and his expression could not have turned more disgusted had she chosen that precise moment to break up with him. "Now who's not being honest?" he spat at her.

Stunned by his tone she stepped back so that her back was against the shower wall. "Whoa—what?"

"If you miss sex so damn much you should have just said."

"I don't miss sex."

"Right." He returned snidely.

Seeing how her statement could be viewed as slightly untrue, Kate changed its wording. "I don't have a problem with our sex life, Castle, but…You told me you couldn't have sex, but from what you just said it sounds like maybe you just never had a woman willing to try. I'm willing."

He pushed himself away from her and, somewhat surprisingly, exited the shower while saying, "Stop! Just stop!"

Despite being soaking wet, Kate quickly followed him. "Rick!"

He threw up his hands as he walked out of the bathroom, muttering, "I knew this was a bad idea…it'd never work out..."

Not entirely sure where he was going while dripping soapy water from his head, Kate chased after him and caught up to him at the entrance between his bedroom and office. "Why are you being like this? Stop. Stop!" He stopped walking, but didn't turn around until she requested, "Look at me." He spun slowly and she saw that his jaw was set and his lips were flat together; he was as angry as she'd ever seen him.

Huffing out a breath and trying to ignore how uncomfortable the chilled apartment air was on her naked wet skin, Kate said, "I don't want to upset you and I don't want you to be in pain. I want you to be happy but—well, maybe you're right. Maybe I wasn't honest about something: it's hard not being able to reciprocate the sex you give me; I've never been in a situation like that before and I feel….guilty." Through his contestant reassurance she tried to push those feelings away, but they still remained and she feared they always would. It wasn't just the guilt of receiving something she couldn't give in return, but the disappointment of not being able to give him pleasure as well.

"I told you I don't mind."

"I understand that, but it doesn't make it easier."

He shook his head and shrugged his shoulders, helpless. "So where does that leave us? Do you want to…end things?"

The rough tone of his voice scraped at her soul and she fought to keep from wincing. God, how had it all come to this? All she'd wanted was for him to show her his scars just like she had shown hers. She wanted this moment to bring them closer, not tear them apart. They were on the precipice of something and whatever the outcome it would fall on her shoulders.

"Do you?"

"I want you to be happy."

His tone was heartbreakingly genuine and she believed he truly felt that way, but hers weren't the only feelings at stake. "And what about you?"

He swept his hands out wide. "This is the hand life dealt me. I've accepted it."

For an inexplicable reason, his martyr-like comment flipped a switch inside her and she felt anger towards him—anger and frustration. "Have you, Rick? Or have you imprisoned yourself in it?" she shot back. He took a step back as though she'd slapped him in the face so she took a careful step forward, holding out her hands cautiously in front of her.

"I get it—I really do. I did the exact same thing after my mother's murder, but I found a way to get out and I'm here."

This was it—she knew it; the point of no return. Somehow he'd taken on her normal role of having one foot out the door, ready to push people away at the first sign of being hurt, which meant she needed to be the bigger person, she needed to take the big step and, god, it was hard—it was going to be so hard. It was terrifying because it exposed that part of her she never wanted to reveal, but for him she knew she had to risk it, because he was worth it. What they had wasn't disposable; it was the realest thing she'd ever had in her life and damn it she was going to fight for it.

Briefly, she shut her eyes. She took in a deep breath and thought about her sentiments from the night of the bombing, drawing strength from her belief that they still rang true. Then, she opened her eyes and gazed at him steadily. Holding her arms out to her sides, she said, "I'm here—standing in front of you, dripping water all over your hardwood floors, and it's the scariest thing I've ever done but it's also probably the best. I love you and don't want this to end."

He lowered his head and stepped forward confessing, "I love you, too. That's why I don't want to lose you."

"Well you're not going to. Now come let me wash the soap out of your hair." She reached out her hand and he took it without hesitation, so she led them back to the bathroom, being mindful of how slippery their feet were against the now wet hardwood floor, and guided them back to the warm shower spray.

Kate was so focused on rinsing all the soap out of the taller man's hair that she failed to take note of his dopey looking grin until she was almost done. She let out a breathy laugh and pressed her palms flat against his chest, feeling relief surge through her body. She did it—she said those three words first in a relationship and it didn't break her. In fact, it was wonderful, since he confirmed what she hoped to be true: that he loved her, too.

They finished their shower efficiently before toweling off and going into the bedroom to use their bath towels to mop up the floor before it became damaged. Kate turned back towards the bathroom to hang their towels up when Castle unexpectedly scooped her up by the waist, tossed her onto the bed, and then dove onto the sheets beside her. She laughed and they snuggled up together under the sheet, threading their legs together and holding each other close, skin against skin.

"How'd I get lucky enough to find you, huh?" he asked, dusting his fingers across the sharp curve of her cheek.

Kate reached up, pulled his fingers to her lips and kissed each of them before saying, "I found you, remember?"

He hummed and dipped his head to kiss her shoulder. Using their linked legs as leverage, she slid even closer to him, ultimately bringing her upper thigh to rest at the apex of his legs. She felt him tense momentarily, but she stroked his spine until he relaxed beside her.

"Are…are you sure you're okay with…with how I am?"

"I don't love you because of what's between your legs, Castle."

"Obviously," he scoffed, rolling his head back against the pillow.

Propping herself up on her elbow, Kate gazed down at him sternly. "Stop. Stop thinking about yourself as mutated or deformed."

He gave her an incredulous look. "How else would you describe it?"

"Something you lived through. We all have scars just not all of them are visible."

"And they don't stop you from having sex," he muttered, looking away from her.

Kate reached out her hand to guide his chin so that he looked at her once more. "Mine did. I hadn't had sex in nearly two years before we got together."

He tilted his head as he gazed at her. "So…so what made you change?"

"Just you. Everything about you."

He lifted his head and captured her lips in a sweet kiss. Cradling her jaw with his hands he said, "I'm so sorry those people had to die to make it so, but you have no idea how glad I am that I met you."

"Yeah," she sighed, lowering her head so that it rested on his chest, "I think I do."

* * *

 **A/N** \- I really, really can't thank you enough for bearing with me on this unusual journey. honestly, this chapter is one of the things I'm most proud of - across anything I've ever written.

There will be one more chapter and an epilogue after this.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

"So what did you think of that one?"

Kate glanced over at her partner and gave a little shrug as they approached the elevator. They had just completed their fourth apartment tour of the day and, to be entirely honest, they were all beginning to run together in her mind. Awkward shaped bedrooms, displeasing views, too-small bathrooms—each of them had something wrong, but she had to stop comparing them to her old place. It was gone, not coming back, and she had to live somewhere.

"I loved all the light, but this kitchen is just way too small; I couldn't do anything in there."

"Says the woman whose refrigerator mostly consists of takeout containers."

She smacked his chest with the back of her hand as they stepped onto the elevator. "You shush. But seriously—I cook on occasion. What am I going to make here besides toast?"

"Fair enough."

Castle said no more as they were joined on the elevator by a woman carrying a little girl on her hip. Kate estimated the tiny blonde with perky pigtails to be about two years old. She looked at Kate a bit sternly, but when her eyes shifted to Castle, a grin broke out on her face. Kate looked to her partner to see that he'd pulled a face, presumably in an attempt to entertain her, and had clearly worked, for when he stuck his tongue out at her, she giggled.

Kate watched as Castle waived at her and she waved back. He then went back to making silly faces, which had her laughing. Her mother noticed this and gave them a hesitant look, so Castle said, "I'm sorry—you're daughter's just adorable. My girlfriend is thinking of moving into this building—do you like it here?"

"Oh." The woman seemed momentarily startled as she looked between the two of them, but then relaxed and said, "Ah, yeah it's nice and quiet. The only downside is it's a bit far from the subway line I need to use."

By that time, their car had arrived on the ground floor, so the four of them stepped out together. "Well thanks; we'll keep that in mind. Have a nice day. Bye sweetheart," he added to the little girl.

Kate heard an almost invisible, "Bye," from her, but she kept her eyes on Castle until her mother had carried her out of the building.

"So," Castle began as they stepped out onto the sidewalk themselves, "back to the real estate listings?"

Kate groaned and rubbed her hands over her face. Right—she was still homeless. "No, no…these were the only decent four I found! I…I think I'm going to go with the one right before this."

"With the tiny bathroom?"

She nodded. Tiny? More like a bathroom in which she could shower, brush her teeth, and use the toilet simultaneously—but she'd make it work. "Yeah; I can deal with it; it'll be fine."

"I thought you liked baths."

That was correct; she did, and that apartment only had room for a stall shower, but fortunately she believed she had another option. Quirking her eye at her boyfriend she said, "Are you saying I can't use your tub."

He grinned. "No. Please—come over anytime. I just don't want you to pick an apartment you won't like."

"I appreciate that, but I need a place to live."

He reached over and skimmed his hand across the top of her back. "You can stay with me as long as you want; it's been nice."

"Very nice, but it's been three weeks; it's time." She certainly didn't want to overstay her welcome and though she completely believed him when he said he didn't mind, she also didn't feel they were ready for the "living together full time" stage of their relationship. She still liked her own space, and she knew he did as well.

"Still…I'll be a little sad to see you go."

When they came to a crosswalk Kate leaned her body into his to give him a quick hug. "I know, but it's for the best—find our regular routine again."

They crossed the street in a pack of fellow New Yorkers and fought the cross traffic to move North on the sidewalk towards the closest subway station. Once they descended and were waiting for the train, Castle asked, "While we're on the subject: do you think we'll ever live together?"

She smiled as the prior three weeks had certainly been a nice relationship test for them—one they passed with flying colors. "Ah yeah I'd say that's a pretty likely possibility. Don't you?"

"Yes—of course. I…" He reached down to pick up her hand and give it a solid squeeze. "I honestly can't imagine my life without you in it."

"Neither can I. but you know, as long as we're talking about our future—have you given any more thought to that thing you've been avoiding for over a week?"

"What thing is that?"

"Expanding upon our, ah, intimate activities?" she said as subtly as she could knowing they were on a public train platform. True, most of the people surrounding them were wearing headphones, but she still didn't need to broadcast anything too loudly.

Castle visibly winced and looked away from her. "Oh. That."

She stepped up in front of him and gave him a teasing smile. "You realize you're probably one of the only men on planet Earth consistently turning down sex, right?"

"So you're shaming me into this."

"Castle," she said sharply, touching her hand to her face as she gave him a very serious look. "You know I'm not." She would never ask him to do something he wasn't comfortable with, but she also knew he was mostly afraid because it was something he'd never done before, so she felt he needed a little nudge of encouragement.

"I know. I just… I don't know. I still see it as the scariest thing in the world. If it doesn't work-"

"Nothing changes," she promised.

He let out a heavy, rather dramatic sigh and threw up his hands flippantly. "Well…might as well then—before you move out."

She fought to roll her eyes; it was as though she had suggested that they get a jump start on doing their taxes for the following year. He could be so frustrating sometimes! Maintaining her positive attitude she patted his chest and said, "Tonight, then—when we get home."

"No time like the present."

She refused to acknowledge his sarcasm. Instead, she squeezed his arm and said, "It's going to be great; I promise."

* * *

"Castle! C'mon in—I'm ready."

Reaching her hands down to her upper thighs, Kate fluffed out the bottom lace edges of the red teddy she wore, making sure it hung straight. Then, she brought both hands up to rest just above her belly button as she sucked in a deep breath. She hadn't been nervous about sex in years, but in that moment the steady thrum of her heart was definitely more rapid than normal; she simply couldn't help herself.

Before she began setting up she had explained to her partner once again that the evening came with no pressure, no strings. If it worked: great. If it didn't: they could try again—or not try again. She'd let him make the call. As much as she told him again and again that it didn't matter, they both knew that it did. It certainly wouldn't end their relationship if it didn't work out—not in her mind, anyway—but she wanted this _so_ much for him she knew if it didn't then—

No. She wouldn't even entertain the thought. They would find a way to make it work, because together they could figure anything out.

"I still don't see why you—oh." The writer stopped dead in his tracks at the entrance to his bedroom from the office. She'd banished him to the kitchen while she set a romantic mood—much to his utter annoyance—but from the slack-jawed expression now on his face she knew his griping had been well worth it.

"Like what you see, Castle?" she teased, a sly grin on her face. The practically see-through teddy was one of the sexiest—and most expensive—she'd ever purchased, but it was worth it. As with all lingerie, it was not the most comfortable—a little itchy at the edges and tight across her rib cage—but it was meant for show, not for long-term wear.

The longer she gazed at him, Castle's expression morphed from one of shock to one of clear admiration. He smoothed his left hand back through his hair and then rested both hands at his hips as he grazed his eyes over her exposed flesh. Meeting her eye again he said, "You look ridiculously sexy."

"Good."

"Is that new?"

"Maybe," she replied in a sing-song way, swishing her hips side to side, which made the edges of the teddy flutter. In truth, she had bought it a little over a week earlier, both because she knew all of her existing sexy undergarments had been charred along with the rest of her belongings and because she'd hoped to wear it on an evening such as that one—a very special, sexy occasion.

After several more moments of gawking, Castle stepped further into his bedroom and took in the scene she'd set. "Candles, music…You sure went to a lot of trouble for something that's probably not going to work out."

Kate took in a deep breath and counted to three, trying not to let the frustration of his continued negative attitude ruin their mood. Instead, she chose to turn the moment into a positive one. Stepping around in front of him, she reached out and cupped both of his elbows with her hands. Gazing up at him she asked, "Do you know why I fell in love with you?"

"My rugged handsomeness?"

She twisted he lips to the side at his obvious joke-guess. "No. Among your many other positive qualities it was your attitude, your optimism. Doing my job I see darkness every day—people at their lowest points—and it's hard not to be affected by that, to let that darkness seep into your own life. For a long time I let it and then you walked into my world and shined a light on everything. You always seem to find the bright side and help me look for it as well. Except when it comes to this—not that you haven't been through something traumatic, because of course you have. I'm just saying: let me return the favor and shine some light."

His eyes flared wide and he shook his head. "Oh don't shine light on it—that won't be pretty."

She rolled her eyes at his comment. Per usual, her boyfriend had to throw in a joke at every opportunity. "Castle—just take off your clothes."

As the sheets were already peeled back from the pillows, creating a lovely oasis waiting for them, Kate climbed onto the center of the mattress to wait while he pulled off his t-shirt and let his jeans drop to the floor, leaving him in only boxers. She smiled, encouraging him to join her, and he did so tentatively. She reached out to grab the top of his shoulder and pull his lips down to hers.

They kissed and she threaded her leg between his, drawing their bodies flush together. She felt his hands roam her back and squeeze the exposed cheeks of her ass. She hummed into his mouth and mirrored his actions, dragging her fingernails against the round curvature of his bottom, unquestionably one of her favorite features on his body.

Unlike previous times when they'd been intimate, Kate let her lips travel past his sternum and across his toned belly. She heard him breath in a shuttered breath when her hands settled lightly on his hips, just as the waistband of his boxers, so she gazed up and gave him a reassuring smile. Though his head lay back against his pillow, he looked anything but relaxed. "You want me to stop?" she asked gently. He shook her off so she kept going, trailing her kisses down to his right hip, then tracing her tongue across his low belly to the other hip before she began to pull down his shorts.

He lifted his hips to help her pull them off and after tossing them casually over the side of the bed, Kate moved her hand across his left hip until it landed on his member. Though it was certainly firmer than when she'd felt it previously, it did not have near the stiffness she would have expected on someone who had not had reconstructive surgery. She stroked her fingers up and down the shaft a few times, watching her partner's face for reaction, but he merely shut his eyes and covered his face with his hands.

With her ministrations, she felt him stiffen, particularly on the right side, but the left didn't change much. She continued the work with her fingers and grazed her teeth over her bottom lip, debating on how to phase the question on her lips. Any version of, "Is this it?" sounded insulting, though she truly didn't mean it to be. She simply didn't know how hard he could get and he was the only one who could confirm.

Moving her hand to his right hip, she arched her body over his and kissed his chin, the only part of his face still exposed. "Are you ready?" she asked softly. He pulled his hands away from his eyes and nodded. She smiled, kissed him quickly, and then rose up so she could hook the waistband of her thong with her thumbs and remove it. She then moved her knees so they were astride his hips and sat down so she balanced her body on his thighs. "Is this okay?"

"Ah, yeah," he rasped out. "I, ah, not sure how else we would…but I'm not sure if…"

"Let's just see, okay?"

Kate lifted herself up, scooted forward, and lowered her hips again. She balanced herself with her left hand in the center of her chest as she used her right to guide him to her channel. She tried her best to keep her facial expression neutral, not wanting him to see any level of concentration that could be read as displeasure, but she struggled a bit more than she anticipated in trying to line him up with her entrance. On her third try she succeeded and lowered her body all the way down, allowing him to slide inside her. He breathed in sharply and moved his hands to her thighs and she smiled down at him. "Okay?"

He grunted and nodded so she rolled her hips a few times, trying to find a rhythm that would work for them. Just as her heart was beginning to swell from the pure joy of feeling him at her entrance, knowing they were doing the exact thing he thought to be impossible, she felt his fingertips suddenly dig into her thighs in an almost painful manner. Not sure what that meant, she stopped moving and looked at him. "Are you okay? Talk to me, Rick."

"I—I don't know."

"Does it hurt?" she asked. He shook his head. "Does it not feel good?"

"It—it doesn't feel right," he managed through gritted teeth.

"Okay." She instantly pushed herself up and off of him and scooted forward so she sat across his hips instead. She reached out her left hand to stroke across his jaw and he shut his eyes, clearly embarrassed.

"I'm really sorry."

"No, no." She assured him, stretching out her body over his so she could stroke both of his cheeks with her thumbs and press a few gentle kisses over his bottom jaw. "I told you we'd figure this out together, right? Just relax and we can try something else—a different position."

He sucked in a deep breath and huffed it out. "I think I'm too small for all of them."

"That's not true."

He rolled his head away to avoid her gaze, clearly not believing the words she said. Her heart breaking for him, Kate swung her legs back over to one side of her body so she could stretch out at his side. Skimming her fingertips through the soft hair on his chest she said, "I know this must be hard, because it's not like you remember."

"Only for a million reasons. I used to—" he cut himself off, looking slightly hesitating. "At the risk of sounding immodest I used to be…bigger than average, we'll say. And then… they tried to save it, all of it, but the skin started dying and there was nothing that could be done. They told me they had to cut it back to the living tissue or I would risk losing it completely. Still, it was my decision and it…"

"Rick." She placed her palm flat against his chest, calling his attention. "You did exactly what anyone else would have done. I can't even imagine having to make that call. How many surgeries did you end up having?"

"On that area specifically? Two. Five overall. The point being—I just…I don't know how to do this." He gazed at her and she could see nothing but pain and remorse in his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Kate. I really thought-"

"No, shh." She hushed his apologies and concerns and then pressed her lips to his. "Just shut your eyes, relax."

She waited until he'd done so and then lowered her head to his chest, thinking they needed a several minute reset before trying again. She traced her fingers lazily up and down his side for a few moments before an idea hit her. She mentally slapped herself for not thinking of it before—for not _starting_ with it; it seemed so obvious now.

Lifting her head, she checked to see that his eyes were still closed and they were, so Kate began to trail kisses across his collar bone, just as she'd done before. She kissed across his chest, down his belly and over his hips before sticking out her tongue and dragging it down the length of his member. As expected, he gasped out her name. She stroked her tongue across him again and felt his hips jerk beneath her; she smiled inwardly.

"Just relax." She coached before gliding her tongue across him again. He had softened during their discussion, which wasn't at all surprising, so she took her time tracing her tongue from base to tip before parting her lips and taking his entire length into his mouth.

"God, Kate!"

As his tone was unreadable, she pulled her mouth away from him and turned her head so she could see his face. "Good or bad?" she asked.

"Good." He managed, though he looked slightly uncertain.

She nodded and repeated her actions: stroking her tongue down to the tip before sliding it into her mouth, that time taking note he was significantly harder. Having the full length of him in her mouth was a new sensation for Kate as she had never performed oral sex on a penis that small. Not that his size mattered—it simply presented different challenges.

For several moments she explored different options: sucking lightly, pulling back enough to swirl her tongue across the tip, sliding her whole mouth up and down his shaft. She gauged his reaction to each different method, but found that each time she alternated sucking with swirling her tongue she could feel his hips buck beneath her and he let out a little groan. Smiling to herself, she continued these actions and, much to her surprise, she felt him grow even firmer; perhaps all he'd needed was to fully relax and let go.

Kate continued to suck him for another full minute until she heard his breathing begin to come in shorter spurts. She pulled back, releasing the suction of her lips, swirled her tongue around his tip a few times, and then went back to sucking until she felt him thrust his hips as he cried out. She readied herself to receive his cum, but what settled on her tongue was only about half the volume she expected. She was confused at first, but then she realized this might be another thing different about him thanks to his accident, but fortunately it didn't matter at all.

As he breathed out, "God, Kate," she pulled her mouth away from him, rubbed her hand gently across him for a moment, and then stretched out beside. She reached one hand up to brush over his now-sweaty chest and smiled down at him. He rolled into her, burrowing his face against her breasts as his arms looped around her back. She ran her fingers through the hair at his nape, kissed the top of his head and held him close, happier than she ever thought possible. She hadn't realized just how much she'd missed being able to give him pleasure until it finally happened.

 _Finally._

They held each other tightly for several minutes before Castle pulled back and placed kisses all across her chest and collarbone. Finally looking up to her, he said, "You're the most incredible person in the world."

She let out a breathy chuckle and combed her fingers through his hair. "Oh I don't know about that."

"You are. You are." He repeated, kissing her throat several times before moving to her lips and giving her a long, slow kiss.

Kate stroked his cheeks and held her fingertips by his jaw. "So it was good, then?"

Much to her surprise, he gave a rather blasé shrug. "It was okay." Before she could get too offended, he added quickly, "Not because of you! It's just…how it is now, post-accident. It's like my orgasm is wearing ear muffs."

As this analogy was one of the last thing she would have expected, she blurted out, "WHAT!?"

"It's muted. Tamer. Less mind-blowing? I don't know how else to describe it."

"Understood." She skimmed her fingertips over his hairline and smiled. True, she imagined it was disappointing, but at the same time, she also believed the fact that he still had any functionality given what he'd been through was a true miracle. "At least it's not gone completely."

"True." He hummed out.

The two of them dozed together in bed for the better part of twenty minutes before Castle suddenly sat up and announced that he needed a snack. He plucked his boxers from the floor and exited the room while she was slower to follow, taking off her lacy teddy and swapping it for his discarded dress shirt. Though he offered to make her something, she declined and merely hovered nearby while he retrieved bread, sliced cheese, and butter so he could make himself a grilled sandwich.

As he prepped the bread, Kate's gaze drifted across the kitchen until she spotted her purse at the end of the counter. Beside it sat the flyers for the apartments they'd seen that day, which made her think of their last stop and what had happened as they were leaving.

"Castle, do you want children?"

He looked at her with his jaw slightly agape, a butter knife limp in his hand. "Wow, um, that was random."

"Not really. I saw those apartment flyers and I thought back to that little girl you were smiling at in the elevator."

His face brightened immediately. "Oh wasn't she adorable with her little curly pigtails? And her little laugh was so sweet."

She nodded her head and pressed her lips together as he had more or less provided an answer. "So that's a 'yes' then?"

His brow wrinkled as he placed his sandwich into a pan on the stove so it could brown. "Ah, no. I mean I love kids, but I'm well aware that's not in the cards for me."

"Rick," she sighed out his name, feeling bad that she'd brought down the happy mood of their evening; it definitely hadn't been intentional.

He shrugged. "It's okay…just another one of those unfortunate things that happened as a result of my accident. Can't control it; it just is what it is." He focused intently on his toasting for several minutes, but when he used a spatula to flip the sandwich and brown its other side he looked up at her and confessed, "I, ah, I have considered adopting a few times, but I figure—single guy…it'd be really hard, even with my financial situation."

"What about with a wife? Furthermore, do you know for sure you can't have children? Have you seen a fertility specialist?"

His brow rose halfway up his forehead and he asked, "Are we actually having this conversation?"

Unfazed, she responded, "Is it making you uncomfortable?"

"No…" he responded, though he didn't sound certain. "I just…is it too soon?

She shook her head and took two steps closer to him. "I don't think so. We've known each other over a year and a half and been together nearly half that time. We're in a committed relationship. I don't think it's too soon to know where we both stand on the issue of marriage and children."

He rested his hands against the counter as he looked over at her. "Well, to be honest, one of the first thoughts I had after my accident was that no one would ever want to marry me and I can't say that viewpoint has changed much over the years."

Trying not to feel hurt she asked gently, "Even now?"

"Now…" He pushed out a heavy breath and dropped his chin to his chest. Focusing a bit too intently on the stove he said, "I'm still a little too afraid to be hopeful."

"Even after everything we've been through?"

"It's only been six months. And," he straightened his spine, raked his right hand through his hair, and then gestured towards his bedroom with it. "And we couldn't even…not really."

"So we try again and again until we find something that works."

"But I…I don't know," he concluded with a shrug.

Seeing as she had put him on the spot, she decided to accept this answer without pressing any further—for now. At the same time, she wanted to make sure he knew where she stood. "Just so you know: I'm interested in both—marriage and children. As for the latter—if there's one thing I know for certain it's that together you and I can figure anything out."

He opened up his arms and she happily stepped inside them and accepted his hug. He kissed the top of her head and said, "I promise I'll try to get to that considering-marriage place."

"I know you will."

He kissed her head again before kissing her on the lips. "I love you so much, you know that?"

She smiled and hugged his waist even tighter. "I love you too, Castle."

* * *

 **A/N:** I was absolutely blown away by the amazing response to Ch 9, so i thank all of you for that-truly. I appreciate your feedback so much

I hope you guys enjoyed this conclusion, though there will be an epilogue posted on Saturday.

Then, I'll post both parts of **Between Two** a Soulmate AU and then starting Dec 17th for 8 days straight I will post my Christmas fic **It's Only Just Begun**


	11. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

"Oh—shoot!" Kate Beckett cursed (well, Mom-cursed) when she dropped her keys just outside the elevator on the penthouse floor. She was already jugging her purse, gym bag, and shopping bag, so of course she would drop her keys as well. Huffing out a breath, she squatted down, hooked the keyring with her pinky finger, and then stood back up. Thank god being a mother had taught her good juggling skills.

After unlocking the front door, Kate dropped her load to the ground and was about to call out for her family when she heard her favorite sound in the world: the cheerful giggle of her son, Jake. Smiling inwardly, she kicked off her heels and then tip-toed her way towards the office-slash-playroom, eager to catch a glimpse of what was going on inside without ruining the magic. When she'd crept to the edge of the bookcase entrance, she saw her husband and son sitting on the ground, an interesting scene of Lego buildings and action figures surrounding them. She immediately knew they were in the middle of one of Castle's story-come-to-life sessions and hung back to listen as the writer continued to craft a tale for his son.

One thing that Kate had become certain of over the prior few years was that Richard Castle was absolutely meant to be a father. From the moment they started trying to conceive he began reading book after book, article after article. Given how uncertain he'd been about having a family when they first started dating she was pleasantly surprised with how enthusiastic he was being, but still remained nervous for his parenting skills as well as her own. Those nerves evaporated the moment Jake was placed into his father's arms; Castle was a natural. He was there for every diaper change, every feeding, every time Jake awoke at 2 a.m. and decided that screaming was the best thing he could be doing at that moment; Castle never missed a beat. When she finally went back to work, he put all his writing on hold to take care of their infant, and she knew he was still happy to be the world's greatest stay at home dad three years later.

Kate lovingly observed their play session for almost five minutes before Jake spotted her, squealed out, "Mommy!" and ran charging in her direction.

"Hello sweet boy," she said as his arms locked almost painfully tight around her hips. She feathered her fingers through her hair and smiled down at him. "Did you have a fun day with Daddy?"

He gazed up at her, resting his chin against her thigh and proclaimed, "I'm hungry." Kate couldn't help but laugh; her son was always hungry—and growing. In fact, from what they'd seen so far they believed he might even end up taller than his father.

"Dinner's in the oven bud; we'll be eating soon." Castle reminded his son as he began gathering up their playtime accessories.

"Sweetie," Kate said, moving her hand to cradle the back of her son's skull. "Can you please put all your Legos back in their crate?"

Without a word, Jake ran back to the play area and began doing as he was asked. Kate then beckoned for her husband to follow her and led the way back towards the foyer to the shopping back she had dropped. Nervous butterflies filled her stomach as she scooped it back up and turned to face her curious partner. "Real quick—you wanna see the shirt I got Jake today?"

"Of course."

Smiling in the reflection of his grin, she reached down in the bag and pulled out the blue t-shirt inside. Holding it by the shoulders, she displayed it so he could read the black lettering on the front. _Big Brother_. She watched as his eyes grew wide and then he looked up to her with the same amount of love and devotion he had every morning they woke up together since the day she officially moved in five years earlier.

"So you're ready then? To schedule the appointment with Dr. Kleinman?"

She let out a breathy laugh. "Uh, well, I don't thinking we're going to need the appointment, actually…"

"You—what—are you—are you serious!?" he stammered out.

She bobbed her head. Mild nausea in the mornings, tender breasts, and nearly three weeks later on her cycle—all the signs were there. "Pretty sure, yeah."

"But—but—but!" He spluttered. "This is impossible!"

She arched an eyebrow at him. "Says the man who believes in Bigfoot."

"But it is! Oh, Kate!" He sighed out before pulling her into a bone-crushing hug, which she happily reciprocated.

Though she would never turn down an opportunity to tease him, her husband was right; natural conception was supposed to be virtually impossible for them thanks to various fertility challenges Castle faced in the wake of his accident. When they were trying to conceive initially, it took two rounds of artificial insemination before they had success. Their doctor had warned them that any future children might need to come as a result of IVF. After a discussion a few months prior about having more kids, Kate had gone off of her birth control and they hadn't been using any other forms of protection since they hadn't believed it to be necessary. Apparently, Mother Nature thought differently—not that she was complaining.

"So you're excited about this then? Another baby?"

"Are you kidding?!" he gushed, pulling back and giving her a long, sweet kiss. "I can't wait to have another baby with you! I hope it's a girl! Or a boy! Or both!"

Her brow wrinkled. "Both?!"

"I meant twins."

"Twins!? Oh I don't know about that, Castle."

"Why?" He grinned. "It would be awesome."

"Ah," she hesitated as the image of her belly being twice as big as it was with Jake flashed through her mind, "well it would be something, but given how unlikely it was that we got pregnant at all, I don't think you should get your hopes up for twins."

He nodded. "True, but I'm so excited Kate—another baby! I love you—so much."

She leaned in and kissed him. "I love you too, Castle."

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 **A/N** \- thank you all so much for reading - I'm so glad that you enjoyed this story

Up next as promised - **Between Two** followed by the christmas fic **It's Only Just Begun**

And if you can't wait until the 17th for a christmas story, go read 2015's Christmas story **Peace & Joy ;)**


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